MoreWastedSpace.tripod.com

Subject Index
[Tecmo Super Bowl]
[Horsey Sauce]
[Judge Judy]
[Stealing Music]
[Best Spike]
[MacGyver]

The Distinguished Cast:
JS is a literature major at a small Midwestern college. He is a swift runner.

KS is a film major at a Big Ten University. He too is quite fast.

KR is a law student at an Ivy League University. He is not at all fast.

JK is a burgeoning high school English teacher. He is also half Golden Retriever. We don't know what the other half is.

CP is in the Army. That would make him pretty imposing, if he had arms. As it is he's just ironic.

TF is a former Citgo cashier. He is heavily addicted to heroin.

*** ***

Send mail to Iowa State Senator Jeff Angelo, because we sure as hell don't want to hear it: jangelo@legis.state.ia.us


If you really can't do without our opinion, write KS, who has nothing better to do than read your mail.

*** ***

The format: the first entry for any subject is at the bottom, with each subsequent reply posted on top, so if you're coming late, start at the end and read up. We're sure you can figure it out. Unless you're illiterate. Then you've probably got bigger problems, like always barging in on Henry when he's in the Porti-John despite the door reading 'Occupied.' Unless you like Henry that way, in which case good for you, but likely bad for poor Hank.

Why spend so much time explaining something so simple? Don't we have any faith in you? In the past we certainly would have, but unfortunately we no longer have faith in anyone until there is a movie produced based on his grisly torture and sacrificial death that saved us all from damnation. Which is why we have so much faith in Keanu Reeves

MoreWastedSpace: Cleansing the heathen masses of Iowa.

Most recent replies on top. Most recent subjects on top.

. . . Except we're behaving erratically, chaotically, schizophrenically, palaverously; in sum, we're unable to finish one post before starting another and yet another. The Stealing Music discussion has just been closed, concluding emphatically, and you must read it, because it is needy, liable to follow you home and hide in the bushes until you're willing to emerge and molest it with your visual attentions. God, I can't wait to see what random Googlers that sentence lures in. You people should be ashamed.


[MacGyver]

[
KR: Intro, Kim Jung Il]

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: What (and who) would MacGyver be in Magical Opposite Land? Sub-question: Does MacGyver's haircut qualify as a mullet?

By way of introduction, let me say that I hope, for the sake of humanity, that we can come to a definitive answer on this issue. The uninitiated might find it easy to dismiss issues of Magical Opposite Land (MOL) as speculative and hopelessly subjective; the opposite is true, of course, which is why I'm glad I've drawn this assignment.

When it comes to outer space, there is worth to exploration in itself; the same goes for MOL. MOL has in fact risen to become a minor pillar in social commentary of the comedic form (see the one-liner
here for an example); it provides a stark, relevant comparison for our own social reality and an undemanding option for the ambition-deficient commentator and writer, for everybody from Seinfeld to Superman. But MOL studies should continue not just for our own benefit but also for the people who live in Magical Opposite Land; the citizens of MOL are actually you and me, even if they do happen to be bizarro versions of us. (In the interest of thoroughness, somebody, perhaps a reader, might be able to hone our knowledge of culture's history of MOL use. I seem to remember the early 80's Justice League spending an episode or two in bizarro world and wonder if the history reaches back before then. If you know, kind reader, email Kyle, who has nothing better to do than collect your random facts and collate them for future expounding. If you're feeling extra frisky, copy Iowa State Senator Jeff Angelo at jangelo@legis.state.ia.us so that he can adjust future legislation accordingly.)

A vital component of this venture is the status of MacGyver's hair; I don't think I'd be going out on a limb to suggest that if he does indeed have a mullet, it weighs heavily on his standing in MOL. I am by no means an expert on the mullet, so just to get the ball rolling on this one I'll go by the dictionary definition Kentucky Waterfall ("short on top, long in back") and say that I'm leaning toward an affirmative response. I am willing to be swayed on this point.

Lest the discussion become too bogged down with minute details so early on, I will limit myself to two words on the headline issue. Those words: Christopher Burke.

True, this is only the vaguest outline of the problem at hand, one that leaves us with only a beer-goggled impression of the complexity I hope we can eventually flesh out. But a MOL study is like an Indiana Jones escape: the walls slide in from each side, necessitating conclusions as they close toward our hero, the answer, before at the last moment he escapes from the darkness of the cave (and here I'll apologize to Plato for mixing metaphors) into the light of day. I hope I've defined one of these walls; perhaps a divergent post will give us the other. There is a very real chance that after reaching our consensus, our answer will duck back into the cave to retrieve his hat; fear not: this has little to do with the nature of MOL studies as with the nature of Indiana Jones, who in Magical Opposite Land is named Evil Gertrude but still loves his headgear.

-KR


[Best Spike]

[
KS: Intro, Lee]
[KR: Legally Speaking, Jonze]

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Better Spike: Lee or Jonze, Legally Speaking


You are right, Kyle, that this subject has taken on new complexity in view of these two directors' latest works, casting an ominous shadow of doubt upon their past productions and upon any discussion of their relative merits. I suspect I'd fail in any attempt to match your knowledge of the pre-stardom media work of these two directors (as well as your canny ability to gratuitously mention Zachariah Selwyn and his tragedy on ESPN's Dream Job). Due to my admittedly limited viewpoint I too have been unable to identify meaningful examples of merit for either of these two so-called artists; I can attest, though, that it is the Lee variety of Spike who demonstrates his inconsequentiality most resoundingly.

First let's try to develop a comparative-legal paradigm. While Spike Jonze was dismissed by his decidedly-uber-attraktiv wife Sophia Coppola, that legal action, in light of the no-fault divorce practiced in California, has little to do with a judge's factual finding of Jonze' insignificance; rather it is a judgment by his wife. I am willing to afford Ms. Coppola's view of her ex-husband significant weight (given the aforementioned uber-attraktivness and her position in the vanguard of American cinema) but the opinion remains the estimation of a husband by his wife. Lee is subject to a weightier judicial finding. Lee, in an attempt to stop a television network from donning the "Spike" moniker, essentially (and by essentially I mean "for current purposes," which are the only purposes that matter) asked a court, "Is a crappy network that will show only Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns more artistically and culturally relevant than [Spike Lee]?" The court responded with a resounding, "Live long and prosper!"

What's worse, Lee himself has shown a propensity for pilfering names for his own profit. He is, in short, a hypocrite. While I resolved to delay discussion of past films in favor of providing this compelling, dispositive background information, I must mention his future film
She Hate Me. Lee, apparently devoid of anything to say himself, instead is attempting to hide behind political and cultural giant Rod Smart. This seems to be an explicit confession by Lee that he considers Smart his superior.

I hope this overview of the legal environment adds to the richness of the discussion even if it does the opposite for any opinions of Mr. Lee. In light of Lee's limitations it seems that it is Jonze who emerges as the favorite and best, or simply the least devalued.

-KR

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Better Spike: Lee or Jonze (an exercise in stream-of-consciousness)

As the subject heading clearly demonstrates (or rather, shows, to avoid pretension), this discussion was initially conceived and proposed as a duel. Head-to-head. No-holds-barred. The victor climbing by the superiority of his craft to the highest rank. But something got caught up in the fray (recalling Track 3, Red Hot Chili Peppers, By The Way). Somehow, the challengers took tolls on themselves, suffering their own errant and unwilled blows to the heart. In the end, unfortunately, I’m not sure that I can pick up the pieces—reconcile the defeats—faithfully tally the assets in the face of such grave failings.

Recently, both of these stalwart (a word ingrained in me now by hours of tedious, unfulfilling Middle English coursework) and once unfailingly admired men by me (similar to a passive periphrastic construction in Latin) have fallen from their lofty heights (perhaps Virgil) and now defy being lauded (from Latin laudo, laudare, laudi, laudatus sum). BZZZZ. SYSTEM FAILURE. In short, these filmmakers have not represented themselves well of late. 1) There is the Larry Bird debacle—Spike Lee drawing flak from every sports radio show in the nation (old news) and being compared to Rush Limbaugh (old man with predilection for pain killers). 2) The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind masterpiece, proving (as we already knew) that Charlie Kaufman is the genius, the artist, the core of the operation. In short, utterly invalidating the work of one, Spike Jonze (whose curious spelling of the last name might now be his only claim to fame). And just general absence of being good on the part of both (perhaps another MoreWasted psych ward case, but who’s counting). ILLEGAL OPERATION

While I may be a bit out of sorts myself, it’s clear to me that determining a “better Spike” is going to prove difficult. But I will press on, the torch flaming high, in search of truth. So, here goes: I would like to say that the failings of Mr. Jonze (and me, sha, la, la, la, la, la, la. Chord progression: F, Am, Dm, G) far outweigh those of Mr. Lee (who has no song to his name). And I’m gonna tell you why…provided they continue to bring the cakes and ale, and the final episode of ESPN Dream Job is re-aired minus Al Jaffe (for his ill-advised removal of Zachariah Selwyn). And yes, Tony Kornheiser, you have made “a big mistake.”

Forget it. I’ll set it all down anyway.

First, lets begin by discarding all the easily forgettable things that he’s done (in fact completely unknown things unless you compulsively frequent imdb.com). This means: The music videos. As for the R.E.M. video “Crush with Eyeliner” I think little needs to be said. R.E.M is a fine group but this video strikes no sparks in my memory. As such, it should be discarded from the discussion.

Likewise, the Beastie Boys videos. However, these should be discarded for different reasons. 1) All three videos (“Sabotage,” “Sure Shot,” and “Ricky’s Theme”) fall after the High Beastie Period of “License to Ill,” 2) I remember no mention in any of these videos of liking the sugar “with coffee and cream”—a necessary line for any successful video, and 3) The Beastie Boys have subsequently fallen off—a fact that I believe he is partially to blame for.

Finally, his work with George Strait and Tenacious D cannot be accepted in any way. As for the “Amarillo by Morning” video, the song was only tainted and unpurified by its creation. And as far as Tenacious D goes, distracting any attention or praise from Tenacious D themselves would be blasphemous.

If this is not sufficient, I can start into his film work next time. But for now I feel that I should leave the man some dignity. Regardless, Spike Lee emerges victorious.

-KS


[Stealing Music]

[
TF: Procurement is Justified]
[KS: An Affront to Justice]
[JK: A Social Justification]


From: JK
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Troy Was Justified In Procuring Music From That Car Over There

Gentleman, I think that you both have missed a very important point. This whole "stealing music" deal is very socially relevant! Isn't social relevance the most important thing in your lives? It is in mine. Yes, I'm going there: Downloading music on the internet! It is very, very analagous, in the sense that I can draw a far-fetched analogy from breaking someones window and stealing all of a person's CDs. Kyle, if you were a multi-platinum recording artist, wouldn't you want people who are poor and addicted to heroin to have free access to your music? And Troy, if you were poor and addicted to heroin, wouldn't you want to steal music from a multi-platinum artist? Still not getting my point? Allright, let me break it down. Kyle, your car is the same as the internet. It is loaded with useless shit, like beowulf. It also contains access to valuable resources, like music and cigarettes (have you tried buying cigarettes online? It's a delight). Troy, you are like a poor heroin addict. You cannot afford a computer, but you can afford a cinder block. Hence, computer=cinder block. You used this "cinder block" to gain access to the "car." After you're busy, as my dad would say as he's staring at a blank computer screen, "surfing the net", you find out that you can obtain music for free! Now, wouldn't you take that opportunity? Whoever this fancy artist is with their fancy car and their fancy upholstery, surely they have enough money to share their music with you. This really is all about how people who are less fortunate and addicted to heroin need a way to obtain music for free. Kyle, if you disagree with this argument, then you really are no better than Metallica (after they cut their hair). Do you really want to be like short haired Metallica, Kyle? There - social relevance. Hey, Troy, by the way - how much "wares" did you get for a high quality burnt CD of Metallica's black album?

-JK

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Troy is a Bastard, so Unjustified

No, you listen. This is an outrage. This is, once again, seriously out of control.

I come out to my car today and rather than the usual routine of entering through the passenger door (because the key broke off inside its lock and it's now my only option for entry) I had the luxury, indeed the pleasure, of once again entering through the favorable driver's side. That was the nice part. The not so nice part was the cinder block, the shards of broken glass, the lack of music, and the freezing, shreiking wind. The other not so nice part was the fact that I left the doors unlocked to begin with. You could have just opened them and saved yourself the trouble. Also, I'm pretty sure that the Plato you quoted was from the back seat of my car as well. And if I'm not mistaken you should have the Norton Anthology of the Middle Ages, which, by the way, I need back and am willing to fight for. Not only willing, ready. I much more powerful than you think. And if you'll check out Beowulf maybe you'll find the honor in you to stand up to me. I seek my revenge. I challenge you, scoundrel that you are, to a duel.

-KS

*** ***

From: TF
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Troy Was Justified In Procuring Music From That Car Over There

Listen, I'm pretty sure that those CDs that were in that car over there were mine in the first place. I have vague recollections of owning CDs once, then passing out from unknown causes (perhaps I was drugged so that someone might requisition my music), then not having the CDs anymore. I don't remember what music I had back before passing out but there's a decent chance it was the very same music that I took from that car over there.

As a matter of social and economic justice, that music belonged to me. The 5th and 14th Amendments of the Constitution require equal treatment. The guy with the car had CDs and I, at the time of looking into the car, did not have CDs. In order to be equal with the vast majority of mankind (who have CDs) I needed CDs. I was simply facilitating a redistribution of wealth with the net effect of granting myself, however fleetingly, my constitutional rights. If only all society's wanton souls would take such initiative! And, remember, I'm pretty sure those CDs were mine in the first place.

It was also in my nature and form to take those CDs; in other words, because of the nature and form of the man Troy Fenster, the CDs were mine, though as I said, they very well could have been mine to begin with. As Callicles says in Plato's Republic, it is the "natural right of the strong man" to take that which is available to him. When I was carefully entering that automobile over there I was certainly stronger than any force stopping me at the time, which justifies me taking the CDs.

Furthermore, I continue to be an individual put upon by society. For example, I no longer have any CDs. I passed out soon after meeting a local merchant out behind Arby's to purchase much-needed wares and when I woke up all but one of the CDs were gone; its unclear whether I had traded them for my much-needed wares or if they were unjustly stolen. I smashed the remaining CD, Radiohead's Kid A because I found it overly conceptual, political, and insufficient to purchase more heroin. I mean wares.

My Regards,
TF


[Judge Judy]

[
KR: Intro, Bipolar]
[JK: ADHD]
[KS: Alternative Treatment]
[KR: Freud, Decrazion]
[JS: Penis Envy]
[KR: Final Option]
[KS: Conclusion]


From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

I concur.

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

One final suggestion: Chuck her in a vat of boiling oil.

*** ***

From: JS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

I agree that a psychoanalysis approach is appropriate here but I'd like to address a different aspect of Judge Judy's psyche. Considering my extensive knowledge in Freudian Psychology as well as Judge Judy's show (and my mastery of the motive-revealing parenthetical aside), my diagnosis is that the esteemed judge suffers from a classic case of penis envy; I suggest a treatment regimen of a week of rest and relaxation at a spa, where she is treated fully like a woman so that she remembers how nice it is to be one (and, if I can get past security, they'll see how much I enjoy Judy's being a woman, too).

First to the diagnosis - and do not think me sexist for saying this, it would be the same if she were a man, which she very well may be - but any woman in a position of that degree of power has a hidden desire to be a man (or, if I'm lucky, is expressing a desire to have a man in her, which I'm pretty sure Freud had lumped in there with all that Penis Envy crap.)

Judge Judy seems a rational yet angry woman. In every commercial that I have seen for her show she is always yelling and ordering other people around. She is controlling and dominating (not that these are negative attributes); this leads me to believe that she is sexually frustrated, perhaps even a dominatrix, which, I agree, stems from the deep-seeded childhood frustrations of an unrequited sexual desire for her father. Since she could not have him and chose instead to try to become him; in a subconscious way she was seeking to control her father (who, unlike a certain part-time psychoanalyst I know, didn't want to be controlled, whipped, and told he is a bad boy by a gavel toting, middle-aged sex kitten). This led ultimately to her becoming a judge, a position in the world in which she controls the fate of other people’s lives. Anyway, all this psycho-analyzing has put me in the mood for . . . a nap. Yes, I'll go hide in the bathroom for 45 seconds and take a nap, so forgive me until I return.

(z. z. z. z. zzzz. zzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Okay I have just awoken from a dream that is very pertinent to my argument. Judge Judy was in it but she was not in a courtroom setting; she was instead running on a beach in a red bathing suit with a life preserver type thing, I think she was a life guard and I think David Hasselhoff was there. It was very obvious she had some, you know, work done, because she looked good, (not that she doesn't always look good; as the black guy on the Family Guy says, “power is sexy").

Now to the treatment: this week-long spa should include mud baths and ancient Asian massage techniques, along with acupuncture. In addition, fresh roses should be put in her room every day; she should enjoy manicures and pedicures; she should have her fingernails and toenails painted (and tenderly kissed by the perpetrator of the spa's latest security breech); she could look just super for yoga and meditation sessions each night (where she would stretch seductively in front of the tiny drill hole in the wall that nobody knows about). All this would lead up to the weekend frolicking and fun when she'd head back to the bench refreshed, that is right after the gang bang (or "orgy," if you would rather I be politically correct.)

Just to sum up: I prescribe a relaxing week in a spa that happens to have lax security and thin walls. (Or my house. Either way.)

-JS

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

Your point about the seriousness of this undertaking is well taken, Kyle. I found your synthesis of Jon's and my own thoughts on the subject to be the most compelling diagnosis so far. I'd like to address a few of your added points before moving on to some additional matters.

You are no doubt right that Judge Judy suffers from substance abuse as a result of her combined struggles with bipolarity and ADHD. I'd hesitate, though, to pursue any course of treatment that would lower her alcohol intake. I say this for the simple reason that alcohol has a tendency to amplify the effects of prescription drugs; Judy would no doubt benefit from such amplification. I would suggest, therefore, that Judy actually increase her alcohol intake when she begins the drug regimen I suggested in my first entry on this subject.

I'll also echo your call for increased exercise. Judy has appeared lethargic at times. I'd suggest a limited prescription of medical cocaine in order to give her the energy for Pilates, kick boxing, or any other exercise routine of her choice.

Lest I become too focused on drug therapies, though, I'll address Judge Judy's subconscious with a Freudian psychoanalysis; I'll conduct my analysis extrapolating from what we know about her. First of all, Judy is always dressed in black; this bleak choice betrays a sexual longing, not only for her father but also for her bailiff, the show's litigants, horses, escalators, stairs, pencils, anything even vaguely cavernous or phallic, and, sadly, cute, helpless puppies. With psychoanalysis, the root psychological bases are often cryptic and not obviously connected to their latent behavioral manifestations, so bare with me. As a child and adolescent, the most likely cause is that Judy asked her father, her bailiff, the show's litigants, horses, escalators, stairs, pencils, anything even vaguely cavernous or phallic and cute, helpless puppies to prom and a hotel room afterwards; she was then cruelly rebuffed by all of them, except the puppy, which said 'yes,' but then stood her up on the night of the dance. Only by facing this reality will Judy be healed.

But Judge Judy's mental problems are, I'd posit, much more pervasive than just her subconscious demons, and probably even beyond anything listed in DSM-IV. It is this structural, chemical, conscious and subconscious nature of her malady that leads me to prescribe 6 times daily doses of Decrazion. The side effects are severe, including diarrhea, dry mouth, sudden stroke, more diarrhea, a four hour erection in both sexes, delusions, anti-social behavior, suicidal thoughts, instant and unexplainable death, and mutations into the last animal one came into contact with, which would be a deal breaker, if not for the ninja skills. Yes, it's true that the drug has no therapeutic properties, or really any positive effects whatsoever, which, along with consisting of nothing other than antifreeze and Colt 45 mixed in my bathtub and left to ferment for three months, makes it a risky and extreme option, but one that seems justified given my knowledge of the Hippocratic oath, which allows for blatant incompetence and subconscious sadism in cases involving Judge Judy.

-KR

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

Considering the gravity and severity of this argument, I find it quite distressing that the subject’s maladies have been dealt with so off-handedly. This is a serious concern and if left untreated it could prove disastrous to the subject’s career and well-being.

Solely based on the range of content on the program it is obvious that the subject suffers from some form of neurosis, psychosis, or combination of the two. While my esteemed colleagues have offered alternative arguments regarding both the diagnosis and treatment regimen, I feel that the only satisfactory explanation of the subject’s erratic and volatile tendencies rests in a synthesis of oppositional views.

Bipolarity and ADHD are not mutually exclusive disorders. The subject could, in all probability, be suffering from both. Furthermore, the onset of these disorders is often coupled with a history of substance abuse and I think it would be best to pursue this avenue for possible treatment in the event that such abuse is present.

Also, the effectiveness of drug therapy should be called into question. Alternative treatments should be considered before resorting to substances that could produce harmful side effects and addiction.

Finally, in the event that the subject is free of substance abuse, a carefully regimented exercise routine could prove effective. Exercise has been proven to boost such mentally stabilizing chemicals as epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin. The balancing is also aided by a greater degree of the subject’s self-efficacy in coping with the signs of oncoming mania or relapse.

With this perspective, I trust that our cooperative measure can now take a more thoughtful and productive course.

-KS

*** ***

From: JK
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

Kurt has presented a very strong argument. Bi-polar-ness (that's the correct term, I got it from WebMD) is certainly a serious affliction. However, I fail to see this as Judy's main malady. You see, I also took Freshman-level Psychology. Many of the topics I learned about still stick hauntingly in my memory today. Like, uh, well, that one video that is shown to every Freshman Psychology class in the world. You know the one - the guy that has only short term memory, and he writes notes to himself as reminders of what he has to get the next day at the supermarket, and so on. It is a truly affecting video, up until the part I started laughing uncontrollably at the mister's misfortune. However, this is not the disorder that I believe Judge Judy is stricken with.

I have not seen an episode of Judge Judy recently, but I have seen a skit of SNL in which Judy is made fun of. In this skit, Cheri Oteri, hilariously portraying Judge Judy, screams at a plaintiff - "Shut up you fat sack of fat!" I find this to be about the most accurate picture of the Judge. For this reason, the fact that Judy can not sit still during a testimony, I believe Judy has ADHD.

I have direct experience with this disorder. Once, as a summer camp counselor, I had to feed a kid Adderol every morning in his Frosted Flakes. If he somehow managed to eat around the tasty pill, he would be crazy for the rest of the day, attacking other children with bricks and such. Therefore, I believe that we would not be able to give Judy her daily doses through breakfast cereal.

Rather, the most effective method would be to feed her oatmeal every morning, spoon by spoon, making the appropriate airplane noises, and saying things such as "Flight 2142, coming in for a delicious landing!" On one of these whirring spoonfuls, we could stealthily sneak a tiny pill. Perhaps this way, Judy could finally sit her ass still and listen to the good people that have complaints about old ten-speed bikes. If that treatment regimen doesn't work, I'd suggest threatening to murder her parents, which seemed to work with that kid in my summer camp.

-JK

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Given Your Background in Freshman Psychology and Access to
Webmd.com, What Course of Treatment Would You Suggest for Judge Judy?

It's clear that Judge Judy needs help and I'm glad that I can put this space to use to provide the sort of intensive medical advice she clearly deserves. I'm also heartened to finally be able to put this particular aspect of my education to real use; though granted, my freshman year in college was almost five years ago. Nonetheless, it was a college psych class, the same used for generations to train our next great psychologists and psychiatrists, and I was the proud recipient of a grade in said class, something that qualifies for a considerable amount of authority in the field regardless of what that grade is.

Judy is clearly subject to violent mood swings, serenely listening for a few seconds before manically pounding her gavel and 'ruling,' evidenced in a recent episode in which she not only fined but chastised an adolescent for throwing bricks through car windows; I'd bet my entire medical career that she suffers from bi-polar disorder. This is best treated aggressively with cutting edge drugs. I would suggest lithium carbonate with an antipsychotic medication like olanzapine and an anticonvulsant medication like valproate. Another anticonvulsant like lamotrigine or Depakene Syrup would be appropriate, as well as Lamictal and divalproex. I would suggest prescribing all of them at once, since Judge Judy seems really convulsy.

I look forward to reading your expert opinion, Jon, as your ability to constructively diagnose psychosis has never failed to educate and mend the less fortunate.

Best Wishes,
KR


[Horsey Sauce]

[
KS: Yes]
[KR: No]
[KS: Still Yes]
[JK: Yeah, I think so]
[KR: That Spells Nathsty With a 'th']
[TF: Clarifying Question]
[KS: Answer]
[TF: Than No]
[KS: Hijacked Names and Other Offenses]
[JK: Final Word on Horsthey Sauce]

From: JK
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: Final Word on Horsthey Sauce

When you put the Bic Mac Miracle Whip out in the Sun for a while, doesn't it turn delicious?

Think about it: Nasthy or not, Pervasive possibly - either way, there is no word to describe it's deliciousness. So I will make one up right now.

Horseylescent.

*** ***
From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subect: Hijacked Names and Other Offenses

For the record: this is the first time that I've seen this post. This awkward, "pervasive" analysis is not my own, but the work of vicious name-hijackers. For my part, I think that this is seriously out of control. What evil could compel men so?

But yes, I do enjoy horsey sauce. It is a fine condiment.
-KS

*** ***
From: TF
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subect: Re: A Clarifying Question

Oh, ok. Than no, its not good.
-TF

*** ***

From: KS
To: TF
Subect: Re: A Clarifying Question

No, its not.
-KS

*** ***

From: TF
To: KS
Subect: A Clarifying Question

A quick clarifying question: is Horsey Sauce made from heroin?
-TF

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subect: No Longer Pervasive, Still Nathsty

Is Horsey Sauce good? Does Kyle like it? As I 'aforementioned,' the answer is and must be no.

Remember that first time your mother gave you adult Tylenol but you hadn't mastered the swallowing-without-chewing bit yet? Indeed, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend chewing Tylenol over consuming Horsey Sauce, even on top of an
Arby's Big Montana.

With a TH,
-KR

*** ***

From: JK
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subect: A Perverted Analysis of All Things Horsey Sauce

I would like to point out that the question was never "Does Horsey Sauce taste good? Rather, is it good? I agree that the word pervasive has been overused. This word led me to think of another word that begins with perv.

How about Horsey Sauce as a lubricant? Or as a currency? It was aforementioned that pennies may or may not taste better than the mayonaisse derivative.

Whether this be true or not, wouldn't it be nice to have some money in your pocket without it leaking white goo all over your pants like pennies do?

In conclusion, do I like it? Yeah, I think so.
-JK

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Pervasive Analysis of Kyle's Preference For Horsey Sauce: Does Kyle Like It?

Good for you. Still like it.

Now I've gotta find a different word than Pervasive, and then change it in all three posts. Unfortunately, I'm functionally illiterate.
-KS

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Pervasive Analysis of Kyle's Preference For Horsey Sauce: Does Kyle Like It?

I think that stuff is nasty. I've eaten pennies that tasted better.
-KR

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Pervasive Analysis of Kyle's Preference For Horsey Sauce: Does Kyle Like It?

Yes, I do.
-KS


[Tecmo Super Bowl]

[
KR: 49ers]
[KS: Bills]
[JK: Chiefs]
[KR: 49ers II]
[TF: Raiders/Heroin]
[KS: The Results]

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position . . .

The end is nigh, upon us, closing in with its damning hands and exultant voice for those disregarded, overlooked--the underdogs. The 8-bit supremacy of Tecmo’s traditional powerhouses has been threatened and destroyed by that menace chance.

I am reporting field-side at Tecmo Super Bowl MMDCCVIII and only one team remains out of the four so touted by our distinguished cast. Despite the fact that it was agreed that computer-computer simulations were not reliable indicators of a team’s capabilities, the pressing need to end this discussion (and save ourselves from the abysmal pools of subjectivity and confrontation) dictates that the end must be sought through these means. It is, unfortunately, the only viable option through which to determine the recipient of the Tecmo Trophy and the corresponding cash bonus.

It has already been admitted that Kurt and I snatched up and relied on the obvious picks. Let it be known, however, that we got what was coming to us. In a lackluster season, my beloved Bills finished with a respectable, but disappointing, 10-6 record atop the AFC East. This didn’t really draw me to concern, considering that the machinery was in good condition and they were facing what I considered to be a conquerable first-round opponent in the Houston Oilers (9-7 and now defunct). But my boys didn’t come through. They were forced off the field in an embarrassing 35-13 loss--condemned, like me, to watch the events unfold in the numbing comfort of the sidelines.

Although faring a little better in the regular season at 12-4, Kurt’s 49ers suffered a similar loss in what might be the most exciting game of this year’s playoffs. In a high-octane scoring spectacle the Washington Redskins (now only minutes from making their Super Bowl appearance) edged out the Niners 45-42. Despite the fact that San Francisco ended the regular season with top honors and far outperformed Buffulo, I would like to point out that my diagnosis of the Niners was correct. Indeed, their demise was their inadequate running game (being out-rushed by Washington 243-106 yards).

The Cheifs... For Jon’s sake I don’t think I’ll say too much about the Cheifs. Names are apparently insufficient strengths for reaching the playoffs...

That leaves one team. The Raiders. Poised to lay the smack down on the Redskin’s surprising run. With an 11-5 regular season record and impressive playoff victories, TF could steal this show--8-bits of victory, 8-bits of in-your-face, 8-bits of smack...

8-bits of anticipation. I feel the power in my hands. One fateful click and the numbers will flash across that scoreboard, setting down that which must be set down, silencing the doubters, the proud...

But I hesitate. The nostalgia wraps around me once again. There is nothing so glorious as the end... but ends are always bittersweet... and the end is the end.

12:50, Press Return.

Team----------------1---2---3---4--------T
Redskins-----------10---3---0---7-------20
Raiders-------------3---0---7--14-------24

Congratulations TF. You can pick up your bonus at the office. Spend it wisely.

Regretfully closing this discussion,
-KS

*** ***

From: TF
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position . . .

First of all, thanks for letting me write for your site. I'm really interested in this subject, as I am interested in many subjects other than heroin, which doesn't interest me in the least because luckily I don't even do heroin, which is, I've heard, quite bad for you.

The team I like is the Raiders. I think any team that has both Allen and Jackson at the running back position is ready to lay the smack down on the league . . . not that I'd care to have any smack or anything. I don't do smack because even though I know it's orgasmicly delicious we shouldn't put things like that into our bodies, then pass out naked in a preschool playground during their recess.

I had a ticket to the Raiders/Broncos game in 1993. It turned into one of those classic games where various amazing athletic feats occurred. I didn't actually see any of these feats nor do I remember if they happened because I sold my ticket for heroin, which makes the Raiders a truly awesome team, because they were good enough to get me a lot of heroin for their ticket. Thank you, Al Davis, for heroin.

Now I told my
parole officer that writing for this site was my full time job since I got fired from the Citgo, so I'm gonna have to ask that somebody call him and tell him that I'm at work and not doing heroin. Also, you might wanna tell him that I'm not trying to kidnap people from nursing homes to sell into the flesh trade to pay for heroin, because if he thinks I'm doing that again he'll have me thrown back into the slammer. If you're feeling really generous, you can tell him you're also my doctor and that the giant adrenaline syringe I had lodged in my sternum the last time I checked in has always been there and is a rare birth defect of some sort and has nothing to do with my heart stopping from doing too much heroin.

And Kurt, you're right that the passing game is the TSB equivalent of heroin. Do you know what else is the equivalent of heroin? Sweet, pure, injected heroin. That's right. Now make sure my paycheck is in the mail because I have to buy . . . food. That's what people generally use their paycheck on, isn't it? Well that's what I'm gonna buy with mine because I like food. I like to smell it. I like to taste it. And I really, really like to inject it.

Excuse me while I find a vein,
-TF

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position Concerning the Best Tecmo Super Bowl Team: Pure Glee and Other Matters

Now that it seems I've rattled the cage a bit, let me make a couple quick points to wrap up my case. Since Kyle and I (probably somewhat cowardly) took the two most obvious answers, Jon was forced to take a different approach than pure football strategy. What it seems to boil down to (assuming it boils down to anything) is that TSB is about the pure joy of the game; in your case, Jon, this involves the glee derived from fun names. Unadulterated delight can be had in other ways too, though.

The 49ers, for example, provide the equivalent of TSB heroin – the long ball. Passing in TSB is the most exciting facet of the game and forces us all to recall what football was supposed to be. The grandeur of the passing game - think "The Drive" here – creates the most heart-pumping acting in TSB and, for that matter, in real football. From a purely subjective standpoint one could claim a pounding running game provides the same joy, but if we let this discussion dissolve into such a subjective squabble, making any argument beyond, "I just happen to like them," would be futile.

In response to Kyle's ball control offense (and if there's ever been a way to suck the fun from a videogame, I think he's just described it), I think we need to look a little closer at the way the game is structured. In TSB turnovers are a reality born not of unskilled, careless players but simple random chance. By running a long-ball, quick-strike offense, the chances of having your play called by the defender are vastly lower because you aren't giving that defender many chances to do so. The cold hard fact of TSB is that having the defense pick your play greatly multiplies the chances of a turnover, either a fumble or an interception. So-called ball control is predicated on, I'll dare to venture, actually controlling the ball. By attempting to gain yards five at a time, the chances of a fumble increase. Player-on-player matches will almost always come down to which team stops the other on defense; a turn-over is the only surefire way to do this, given the ease with which one can gain ten yards for a first down.

I am not abandoning the run, of course; every available play in the book must be utilized to minimize the chance of perfect defenses. But the dominant strategy in TSB is to call runs to allow a game-breaking pass, and 49ers are the best team at running this strategy to a tee.

Also, could somebody explain to me why they don't set traps for pigeons? Those things are flying rats, and I really think they're planning something evil.

Hail to the queen,
-KR

*** ***

From: JK
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position Concerning the Best Tecmo Super Bowl Team: Word!

Gentleman, my argument is a simple and irrefutable one. Names. That's right, the key to the best Tecmo Super Bowl (henceforth abbreviated as TSB, not to be confused with Tourette's Syndrome Beebop!) team is very simply the quality of names. The Kansas City Chiefs are a team that has an abundance of terrific names. Let's begin with the most important player on the team, Christian Okoye. Say that name several times fast. Christian Okoye, Christian Okoye. Isn't a really fun name to say? I know what you're saying: If you love Christian Okoye so much, than why don't you marry him? Well, I asked him, and he said no. But that's beside the point. The point is that Christian Okoye is the most dominant running back in the game. He can go inside or outside, because his main attribute is the brute force that he exerts. And also his name. His name is also very fun to say.

But what would any running back be without a terrific blocking fullback? Word! Yes, word is the word that you scream when you agree with something. However, in this case, Barry Word is not only an expletive. He is the blocker behind Christian Okoye's brilliance. Not only a blocker, there are two plays in the playbook that allow Word to plow through any team. Word has the entire package. And when you make a big play with him, I mean come on, how fun is it to shout "Word!" The double meaning in that alone is enough to make the KS Chiefs the best team in TSB. (Note: In this case, Tourette's Syndrome Bebop might make sense, because screaming expletives just happens to be a symptom of the aforementioned disease).

Onto some of the role players. These players take a backseat, yet their names remain sublime. We'll begin with Percy Snow. Every good team needs a fast linebacker. A fast linebacker can stop the run, sack the quarterback, or drop back into coverage if needed. Percy Snow can do all of this, and plus, can you believe that name? I was thinking about naming my first born child "Snow," but then I realized that too many people would confuse him with the white rapper that had the hit song "Informer." (You know the one: Infooormer, fdskjdsafkljestjhewoifjsdklfjdsljtewoi be bo be na na now). I think that Percy would also be an excellent choice for a first name, but I think that too many people would get him confused with that one poet guy. (Much less important than the rapper "Snow"). So, I think I'll stick with Percy as a middle name, and my first-born will be donned Borange Percy. But I digress. Percy Snow is also an MSU alum, a school famous for having football players be addicted to multitudes of substances, and we all can get into that. He is also the older brother of the infamous Eric Snow, a Philadelphia Seventy-Sixer, with a wicked range that includes anything from three feet and within. So, as you see, Percy Snow is a linebacker you wouldn't want to mess with.

Another often overlooked role player: the kick returner. On the KS chiefs, the returner is McNair. McNair. Think about that. I mean, I don't know what his first name is, but does anybody? Face it: He HAS to be related to Steve McNair. That automatically gives him some value. Also, the Chiefs primary wide receiver: A man that goes by Thomas. He has good hands, decent speed, and an indeterminate race. He looks white, but his name is Robb Thomas. Two b's? I guess you can make the call, but either way, a great receiver, and a great name.

And now we come to the most important player on the team. I know what some of you are thinking: the kicker. Well, wrong again, suckas. While Steve Lowery is a very fast kicker indeed (The speed being an important factor, because you cannot change players after the kickoff), he is not the most important player on this team. Rather, the quarterback exceeds all others. The Chiefs are not lacking in this department. They have a quarterback that is pretty good. I mean, he throws the ball too far most of the time, and he is really slow, but as I have proven time and time again in this argument, these are not the key factors. Rather, the name is what's important. And I have three words for you. Steve De Berg. Word! Three different words for a quarterback? How can you beat that? Just look at NFL history. Some of the greatest quarterbacks of all time have had three names: Alex Van Pelt, Billy Jo Hobert, just to name a few. Steve De Berg's arm does not fit the greatness of his name, but a name is elementary in this crazy game of TSB.

Perhaps my argument has been ridiculous. Perhaps you really believe that the attributes and skills are what make up a great team. Well I challenge you then. Play a game with the KC Chiefs. The sheer joy of having a team where such great names abound will lift your spirits to heights you never thought possible. Percy, De Berg, McNair, Robb, Okoye. These men transcend their games, and live up to their names. Word!

And word,
-JK

*** ***

From: KS
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position Concerning the Best Tecmo Super Bowl Team: Corrections and Emendations (TSB)

A few initial notes: It would be simple enough to determine which team the creators at Tecmo actually deemed the best team in the TSB universe by consulting the odds placed within the game’s code on any team winning. This would tell which team is most likely to win any given game or championship. However, as any experienced Tecmo Bowler knows, actual game-play is far different than the game’s simulations. I only mark this distinction to stress that this argument can only exist if it is concerned solely with the player/player game mode. Otherwise, on the one side, the computer determines each outcome, and on the other, the computer is far outmatched by the experienced gamer.

Also, this distinction allows “real” football’s logic and intangibles to reenter the equation. Coaching and decision making again emerge as important aspects of any given game. Here, the gamer functions as the coach and certain strategies that reduce the effectiveness of such offensive heavy teams as San Francisco regain influence. For example, potent offenses can be neutralized by an NFL time-honored strategy of ball control offense. And as is true in the NFL, this is best accomplished by teams with effective running games. San Francisco might have the best passing offense in the league but they certainly can’t boast even a middle of the road running game. But, if we look to the other side of the map, we see a team with a comparable passing game and one of the best rushers in the league: Thurman Thomas and the Buffalo Bills.

It seems that up to this point the logic of our discussion has been: if a team can break big plays on a consistent basis they are the best team in the league. Based on the idea that the running game is made ineffective by the speed burst, this has been deemed a quality of only passing teams. But, how important are big plays if a running back can consistently pick up five yards a carry? This not only ensures first downs, but it keeps the opposing team from getting their own first downs by keeping them on their netherworld benches.

Another important condition of the player/player game mode is the ability to mix up plays. With the game only allowing a team four of each type of play (passing and rushing) it is imperative that a player be able to use all eight plays. With a “pass-happy” team like San Francisco, which doesn’t have the machinery for a viable running game, the options significantly drop. This leads to greater odds of someone “choosing the same play” and crushing your offensive line. For a well balanced offense like Buffalo this is negated.

For now, this is just some food for thought. If the discussion evolves, we can enter into the intricacies of the individual players. Maybe I’ll get to the defense next time, and beware…

Cheers.
-KS

*** ***

From: KR
To: MoreWastedSpace
Subject: A Profoundly Academic Position Concerning the Best Tecmo Super Bowl Team

Before I set off on my case, it's probably best to define the parameters.

It'd be easy to let this discussion dissolve into a quarrel over the best football team from Tecmo's era. Such an end is best avoided because 1.) the question was already decided, if not with the Super Bowl, than in the respective conference championship games, and 2.) Tecmo Super Bowl operates well outside the bounds of traditional football logic.

First: speed may kill in the NFL, but speed in TSB only kills 10 yards on either side of scrimmage when the player is carrying the ball. TSB doesn't allow a 90 yard breakaway run (at least not in a player vs. player or computer vs. computer match); defenders achieve ludicrous speeds after the ball carrier has picked up significant yardage. Kickers matter little, particularly on extra points, which are impossible to shank and can only be missed on a block. Any coaching intangibles are nullified; the NFL may be a coach's league, but TSB relies solely on its players, with no momentum or preferential treatment.

This disconnect from reality doesn't invalidate the point that TSB is dependent on football reality circa 1991. TSB player strength and speed is based (at least loosely) on the relative attributes of the actual players. But, because of the imperfect translation to Nintendo-land, overall team supremacy doesn't necessarily translate. San Francisco, winners of Super Bowls XXII and XXIII (the two most likely to have influenced the creators of TSB) can't claim to be the best virtual team on the basis of those real victories because, as I've already said, imperfect transfer changes the face of the game, erasing intangibles.

It's just that in San Francisco's case, the team is even better in TSB's world than in the real one; the 49ers' are the unexciting but easy choice for top billing.

First off, the speed burst allowed defensive players during a long ball carry affects run-oriented squads more than pass happy ones. A team with a superior rusher (Barry Sanders and Bo Jackson come to mind) has an advantage only until TSB's special rules kick in to nullify his speed after he's held the ball for any significant period of time. Out with grade-A running backs are star kick and punt returners. A crack wide-out, though, can utilize his speed the full length of the field before touching the ball and handing the defense its speed advantage. A strong air attack also serves as a guard from fatiguing players: it's easy to spread the ball and consequently the work load among the three-plus pass catching options than between one or two running backs. Pass catchers also start the countdown to defensive-speed-up closer to the end zone, where the yards afforded them when all velocity is equal may be enough for six points. San Francisco has two of TSB's fastest receivers, Taylor and Rice (who's actually fleeter of foot than even Barry Sanders himself, according to TSB's player stats), two players that can out-pace corners and have the added advantage of soft hands (and the subsequent increased pass-completion percentages). Rathman provides another sure-handed (if lumbering) pass-catching option out of the backfield. Add Joe Montana, with his superior accuracy and respectable (to quote foot-balm salesman John Madden) "escape-ability" to stir this offensive stew and you have the most potent scoring machine in the TSB universe.

TSB defense is, as I see it, a linebacker's game. With the defensive line too easily locked up with its offensive counterpart and the corners often outside of the viewing area, linebackers are the only defensive players consistently in position to make a play. While the 49ers' can't boast a backer with the skills of the Giant's (my sentimental favorite) LT, Millen is no slouch (especially given that this 8-bit TSB incarnation is intelligent enough to steer clear of the Lion's front office).

Additional note: to play Tecmo Super Bowl without the deteriorated cartridge and dusty NES, click over to
TSB Heaven (http://www.famssu.com/tecmo/), where you can download an NES emulator as well as TSB and even a modified TSB with 2003 rosters.

Game on, gentlemen.
-KR

[Wasted Sidebar]

Two column web pages are unsophisticated. They are, as they say, for chumps -ed.


You may have found yourself in need of some more fine print. You've come to the right place: Any disputes will be arbitrated in the Hague. There is a $175 early termination fee if you choose to prematurely end your agreement with MoreWastedSpace. You may no longer eat tofu: it seems about time somebody stand up for the soy bean. Start thinking each time you blink; you've been acting impulsively for far too long and quite frankly, we're sick of it.

***

Taglines:
MoreWastedSpace: Pretension personified, endured, and eventually typed.

MoreWastedSpace: Hey Joseph? Its Rodney.

MoreWastedSpace: Just let it be known that Bruce Banner and Jesus are a wicked combination.

MoreWastedSpace: Kids, I want to introduce you to America's favorite grilled cheese.

MoreWastedSpace: Constantly dignifying that with a response.

MoreWastedSpace: I just got a new lawnmower with zero-turn capability. Now I won't have to spend any more time with the family.

MoreWastedSpace: If you're on fire, stop, drop and roll. Unless you're on fire because you're standing in lava in which case, find a place without lava, then stop, drop and roll.

***

Narration of a day as experienced through Condoleezza Rice haikus text-messaged cross country over Verizon cell phones (for veracity's sake: Kyle with a LG VX4400B, Kurt replying with a LG VX6000).

Kyle, in a blatant attempt to wake Kurt, 8:13 a.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
She is going to speak at
Our spring commencement.

Kurt, after refusing as long as possible to stir, 10:02 a.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
Your conspicuous tooth gap
Keeps our nation safe.

-and-

Kurt, making up for lost time, 10:04 a.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
Thanks for covering for us:
V P in '0 Eight

Kyle, dismissing such political talk, 12:57 p.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
Take a haiku husband in
Mark Paul Gossaler.

Kurt, in retort, 3:55 p.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
Take a lesbian lover:
Rosie O'Donnell.

Char, having a good time on Kyle's phone, 10:07 p.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
Fuck those Canadians, A
But keep their Labatts

Kurt, hard at work, 11:01 p.m.:
Condoleezza Rice
I'm sorry for the nonsense
Char's probably drunk

While he can't be credited directly for this impromptu and rather annoying occurrence, Dave Eggers has been known to hold staggering "Best Condoleezza Rice Haiku" contests and we don't want to be blamed for starting this mess.

***

Narration of a day as experienced through Condoleezza Rice hiakus text-messaged cross country over Verizon cell phones (for veractiy's sake: Kyle with a

Marge Simpson: "Lisa, people do lots of crazy things on television ads - Like eat Arby's."


I've got a really good idea: somebody should hire William Shatner to do television commercials. He'd give a company a cool, hipster vibe - I'm seeing him doing some spoken word songs here, perhaps, and when that edge begins to fade, add Leonard Nemoy for some instant punch. Also, check to see if Jodie Sweetin is available to be president of the entire fucking universe. That'd be really cute.


A gratuitous exercise in blasphemy:
Dear Jehova,
Are you really God? Because I have a Jesus action figure on top of my computer who says YOU'RE NOT!

***

F.A.Q.
- So what is this place?
*Uh . . . I dunno.

- What do you mean you don't know?
*I have to know?

- It sure seems like it.
*Alright then. Its a website.

- I already knew that.
*Then why are you asking?

- I'm really starting to hate you.
*Ok.

- I'm gonna leave. There are plenty of other websites I can read.
*Well go then.

- Seriously. I'm going.
*You're still here.

- Alright, so I can't leave. I got kicked out of everywhere else.
*How'd that happen?

- Hey, these are my frequently asked questions.
*You sure are needy. Ask away then.

- How do you decide what to write about?
*We just copy things from Slate.

- Isn't that illegal?
*Beats me.

- It says one of your writers is in law school. Wouldn't he know?
*Yeah, but he charges for legal advice. Heck, half of us are already in prison anyway.

- For what?
*Ever see The Fugitive?

- Yeah.
*Its like that, except lechery instead of murder, the red Teletubby rather than somebody's wife, and we weren't framed.

- That's repulsive.
*Hey, you asked.

- Did Andie MacDowell ever lose her baby teeth?
*Actually no, but its not like you'd think. She's like a shark, losing the same teeth repeatedly, only to have them grow back the same size. To date, she's eaten three surfers.

***

And now an utterly neutral argumentative essay by JS for some unspecified class, edited into a Wacky Mad Lib. Please complete the Mad Lib with a friend and send it to Iowa State Senator Jeff Angelo. If you're feeling bashful, send it to KS, who has nothing better to do than read your wacky Mad Libs.

Yin and Yang


The religious undertone in Cao Xuegin's novel The Story of a Stone can not be denied. In the very beginning of the _______(noun) the forces of Gods are ever present in the creation of the sky and situation of the stone. However, if the conversation between Xiang-Yun and her _______(noun), Kingfisher, about Yin-Yang is examined and expanded on it becomes _______(adjective) that Dai-Yu and Bai-Yu’s relationship is an allegory for the Yin and the _______(noun).

The Yin and Yang _______(present-tense verb) two _______(adjective) sides of one whole. Xiang-Yun in her attempt to _______(present-tense verb) Yin and Yang to Kingfisher says, “The Sky is Yang and the earth is Yin; _______(noun) is Yin and _______(noun) is Yang; the _______(noun) is Yang and the _______(noun) is Yin” (pg231). These are all opposites of each other yet belong together because of their _______(adjective) correlation to one another. Bai-Yu and Dai-Yu are also two _______(plural noun). As is seen when Cao Xuein _______(present-tense verb) that Dai-Yu _______(present-tense verb) that flowers “only cause us a lot of extra sadness when they _______(verb), it would be better if they didn’t come out at all” (pg 223), where as, Bai-Yu wishes that “Flowers [were] in perpetual bloom” (pg223). Dai-Yu and Bai-Yu approach the world with opposite outlooks one is _______(adjective) (Bai-Yu) and the other pessimistic (Dai-Yu). However, Bai-Yu and Dai-Yu are shown to be _______(present tense verb) the same thing, for example, when Bai-Yu tells Dai-Yu not to worry because it is the cause of her illness. Dai-Yu think to herself, “He had read her mind-had _______(past-tense verb) inside her” (pg 238).

They often are thinking the same thing or something similar, although they don’t know it, and just _______(present-tense verb) to look at it _______(adverb). Yin also can not _______(present-tense verb) without Yang. Xiang-Yun says, “It isn’t a case of one of them coming to an end and then the other one growing out of nothing” (pg. 231). The Yang would not be able to exist if the Yin had not existed, they need each other much like Bai-Yu and Dai-Yu. Dai-Yu does not go into her final _______(noun) towards death until she learns of Bai-Yu’s marriage to Boa-Chai. Bai-Yu, also, upon realizing that he has married Bao-Chai is “clearly suffering from a sever relapse” of his bout with feeble mindedness (pg278). They both need each other to exist in their _______(adjective) state.

The relationship of Bai-Yu and Dai-Yu is a religious allegory. The Story of The Stone uses this _______(noun) to express the religious and philosophical ideology of the yin and the yang.

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