Tuesday, December 18, 2007



OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

By Dave Stern






If they had an America’s Funniest Catholic Home Videos show there is no doubt Rick would win the $10,000 grand prize.

Scene: The inside of a Wheaton church, at a typical Catholic wedding where an extremely young looking Rick and Bridget were professing their love for one another. The groomsmen were standing in front, waiting for the open bar, when the priest offered the host to the congregation. After a few seconds of nudging from the second groomsman, the first groomsman tentatively approached the father where he received the holy sacrament. The groomsman took the wafer, sheepishly turned around and stuck it in the front pocket of his rented tux.

You would think that they would have gone over this little ritual with the Jewish guy standing up, wouldn’t you? What are rehearsal dinners for? Alas, they didn’t, and for the remainder of the night I had to answer the question, “Hey Dave, is that the body of Christ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” from about a million people I didn’t know.

I forgot about this little incident until the beginning of this year when my oldest daughter Lyla started preschool at the local Catholic school. Even though we are all God’s children, there are a few differences between us Jews and Catholics.

First off, they think they know corned beef but they really don’t. This is proven by the school’s September 5th lunch menu: Lean corned beef sandwich on white bread, served with choice of mustard, butter or mayo. I’m not sure what they served at the last supper, but I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the daily special. He knew that corned beef is always served on rye, and the only thing His disciples would have needed to pass was the mustard.

Second, please do us few Jewish families at the school a favor; don’t teach the sign of the cross to preschoolers on the eve of Rosh Hashanah. If there was an America’s Funniest Jewish Home Video show, Lyla flopping the cross out in front of Grandpa and Grandma during services would no doubt win the grand prize. By the way, you ever notice that the sign for hit and run is very similar? Lyla pointed that out while we watched the Cubs in the playoffs. Maybe that’s why they haven’t won in 100 years.

Third, do yourselves a favor and don’t let us Jews play in your monthly raffles. Of the three raffles held, the STERN family has won two of them. Take that my Gentile friends.

Finally, please include a little instruction manual when you send out that gigantic box of offering envelopes to us Jews. I had to call Rick to find out what they were. Also, please don’t use permanent labels on the front. Those are real hard to peel off when my people reuse ‘em for business correspondence.

Other than these little differences, we’re all pretty much the same. In fact, the Catholics have actually improved a couple of our moves. I have to hand it to them, they sure know how to fund raise…..and fund raise…..and fund raise….and fund raise. Don’t even get me started on that guilt thing.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


CHRISTMAS FORM LETTER GREATEST HITS, PART 1
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



Tis the season for Christmas form letters, and once again your friends at Half Empty have managed to secure some of the greatest Christmas form letters of all-time. Between now and Christmas we'll feature a few of our favorites.

This week's entry was sent out 99 years ago, just before Christmas 1908.
Dear Friends and Family,

1908 sure has been a big year for the Chance family. Frank and his boys in Chicago managed to win yet another World Series!

I know what you're thinking: Doesn't it get old, winning so much, so often? Frank says he can't get enough of it, but to be honest it has been a little hectic around the house. Maybe next year the boys can let someone else have a chance. (No pun intended…OK, pun intended)

I know a wife shouldn't complain, but have you ever been to the Catskills in October? It's really the best time of year to go, but because Frank has such a booked October schedule every year, we just don't get the chance (yup, another pun) to see it. I was talking to Mrs. Tinker and Mrs. Evers about it the other day and they feel the same way.

In the unlikely event that the Cubs ever don't make it to the World Series some year, maybe our families will go together. That is, if Joe and Johnny ever (yup, another pun) start talking to each other again. Leave it to those Irish boys to tinker (tee hee, OK, I'll stop now) with success.

Hope this Christmas season of 1908 finds you and yours in good health (except for you, Ty Cobb). Oh, and please don't talk about this letter with Heinie Zimmerman. He may be a fairly good backup infielder, but he's not on our list because he's Jewish. They don't celebrate Christmas, you know.

Here's to a healthy 1909, and for that matter, the rest of this "Century of the Cubs."

Love and Kisses,
Mary Chance

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--THE FINAL STAGE, ACCEPTANCE
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we present the second and final part of the final stage, Acceptance.

The Thirty Year Plan

“Bobby Knight told me this; he said there is nothing that a good defense that…uh… can not beat a better offense. In other words, a good offense wins.”
--Dan Quayle

The Fullhead former Vice President has it all right there in his jumbled attempt at explaining Bobby Knight. It’s not good enough to have a good defense; we have to go on the offense. Our years of deflecting criticism and jokes are over—that was just playing defense. You can’t win if you don’t score.

With that in mind we have spent the last few years designing the nuts and bolts of the bald revolution. This is a complicated thirty year plan to take over the world and/or solve all of the world’s problems. We may not have to do the former to do the latter, but it would so much more fun if we took over too.

But we can’t do it without the help of every single bald brother. The first step is reading this book and getting to Stage Five. If you know anyone out there still mired in one of the first four stages, please get this book for them to help. We need all hands on deck.

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 1


The first phase of the plan, winning the hearts and minds of the world, begins immediately. Bald has to be considered cool. This is a pop-culture battle first and foremost. We need to put a face on baldness. This someone has to be cool, hip, widely respected and beloved by people of all generations. We think the choice is obvious: Michael Jordan. The greatest athlete of the 20th century (according to ESPN) will be our official spokesperson.

The next thing we need is a slogan. We have tentatively selected the slogan “Bald is Bad,” (using the word “bad” in the Huggy Bear 70’s meaning of the word.) As in Bad-ass. Believe us—Michael Jordan can pull this off. He is Bad. Catch our drift.

Of course, we know that a slogan and a spokesperson is not enough to get across the message. We need experts to craft that message—media geniuses like famous bald producers (and co-founders of DreamWorks) Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. They will put together a wildly creative series of television and print ads that will sell our message to the masses.

And then we will repeat this message over and over and over and over and over and over again. This will make the “Got Milk” slogan seem low-key. Great bald men will be fighting each other to make the next “Bald is Bad” commercial. Every bald man in America from Vice President Dick Cheney to Bill Murray to Charles Barkley to Alan Greenspan to Bruce Willis will want to be a part of this.

This carefully crafted message will become a part of the American lexicon. Then, we turn it loose on the rest of world using such foreign luminaries as Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo (soccer’s Michael Jordan—another bald man), Afghanistan President Karzai, and David Carradine as Kung Fu.

After about ten years of this, we will begin inching toward our goal: World domination.

All we need is the pro-bono work of the people we mention here (which should be no problem—this is for our people), free airtime on network television (do you hear us Balding CEO Michael Eisner?), and the help of our bald brothers around the world.

How can you help with Part 1?

“I took off that stupid Viking hat and wig and painted my head purple; an unforgettable billboard for both testosterone and the Minnesota Vikings. I’d like to see a Fullhead pull that off.”

--Joe K

Thank you, Joe. Every little bit helps. Help us spread the word. Say it loud. Say it proud. You don’t exactly have to invent a new fuel to do your part. (Although…now that we mention it, if somebody wants to get cracking on that too—it would really help the cause.)


“I moved my entire family to Bald Head Island in North Carolina.”

--Peter K.
“I moved my entire family to Bald Mountain in Idaho.”
--Andreas K.

If you are a bald man and secure enough to move to those places, that says quite a bit about our people. It says, we’re not afraid, and your mocking will do absolutely nothing to harm me ever again. You are saying “Look, I’m an easy target, and you can’t get me.”

Amen, Peter & Andreas.

“I planted bald cypress all over my backyard….because ‘Bald Cypress is Bad!”

--Dane P.

Excellent use of our message, Dane, and another good example of making yourself an easy target on purpose to flaunt your legendary lack of fear. You are saying “Mock me, go ahead, it means absolutely nothing to me. I’m a bald man planting bald cypress—got a problem with that?”

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 2

Ever since our people were killed in France during the French Revolution, we have been outnumbered. Even natural selection worked against us for awhile, not because we are inferior, but because the Fullheads feared us and mocked us into hiding. It has taken over two hundred years to clear the countless hurdles that Fullhead society has put in our way, but we’re beginning to make progress.

The second stage involves replenishing our people. We are smarter than they are. We are more virile than they are. With the combination of our smarts and virility, we can start repopulating the world with more of us. When natural selection is not impeded, we will naturally become dominant.

How can we help with Part 2?


Start spreading your seed, gentlemen. It won’t be difficult. Chicks instinctively know what a bald man can do. Do it.

We don’t need to draw you a picture here do we?

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 3

Now it’s time to fix the world. During our window of opportunity we have to make the most of our abilities. Since we don’t want to waste efforts doing things like creating the greatest Italian Beef sandwich, we’re going to lay out our priorities as a people and help direct the efforts in attaining them. Our priorities are….
• Curing the common cold
• Curing cancer
• Achieving peace in the Middle East
• A Chicago Cubs World Series victory
• Creating a world where Democrats and Republicans can live in harmony
• Building Mount Brush-no-more
• Educating the public about the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls
• Eradicating Ziggy


How can we help during Part 3?

If you are a scientist, researcher or doctor, drop whatever else you are doing to work on curing the cold or cancer. Let’s put our bald brain power to work and crack those nuts. (We will accept scientists working to fix the holes in the ozone layer too—but after you do that, get back to cancer, capice?)

If you are a Jew or an Arab or a Palestinian or an Iranian—get cracking on the Middle East peace thing, would you? It’s about time our people took over in that part of the world, don’t you think? How many thousands of years do the Fullheads need to prove they can’t do it?

If you are a bald baseball player and you’re playing for a team other than the Chicago Cubs, shame on you. Get your weasel agent to force a trade.

If you are in politics, put all of the time and effort you currently use despising the other political party to despise the Fullheads instead. Get rid of them, and our problems will be over. Do a couple of those nasty attack ads—it’s not hard. Ask Karl Rove. He’s one of us. Democratic strategist James Carville can be nasty too. He’s another bald man. These natural allies should not be enemies. It’s counterproductive.

If you are a sculptor living in the Dakotas, start organizing the Mt. Brush-no-more project. Feel free to choose any great bald men as the subjects, but try to stick to people that are truly great. We don’t want a mountain carving of say, Don Rickles, when there are so many other great men to choose from.

If you work in a Chinese restaurant please inform the uninitiated the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls when they order. If they do it a second time, don’t serve them. If you are a customer at a restaurant and you order spring rolls, but they give you egg rolls, cause a scene. It’s completely justified.

If you are Ziggy cartoonist Tom Wilson, please stop. Just stop.

What can the rest of us do?

Of course, there is one more thing that every bald man can do that would help the cause. Just be the real you. The best and brightest of our people will take care of the nuts and bolts of the 30-year-plan—but it has no chance of success if you don’t show everyone your bald pride.

Together we’ll find our way.

Take that road right over there. It leads right to the top. The bald top.

And Bald is Bad!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


NUDITY!
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


We've been writing "Half Empty" for almost two years now, and have been tracking which columns seem to strike a nerve, and which columns get the most "hits" and/or "unique visitors."

We can tell when we strike a nerve because we get lots of feedback. Clearly our pieces about the Cubs, our middle aged road trip, and Nigerian spamming have gotten the most feedback.

But which column has the most hits and unique visitors by far? This column about men in showers.

We'd like to think it's because we were so funny or clever, but we know the real reason. It's because people (and we're going to go out on a limb here and guess 'gay men') are Googling "Men in Showers."

We've learned a valuable lesson here.

That's why we will never write a column about NUDE MEN. That would be wrong. And we'll never write a column about HOT NUDE MEN. That would be a cynical ploy to move up the Google rankings, something we would never do. The only thing worse than that would be to write a column about HOT NUDE WOMEN, and we'll never stoop that low. We're far too ethical.

In fact, from this point further, we're not taking any chances.

We're banning the use of the word NUDE completely, and that includes other forms of the word including NUDITY, MALE NUDITY and FEMALE NUDITY. NAKED is also hereby banned.

Don't even think about trying to get us to relax these new rules either. We don't care if LINDSAY LOHAN ISN'T WEARING PANTIES, it won't be referred to in this column. We don't care if BILL CLINTON'S NEW MISTRESS IS CAUGHT IN LIP LOCK WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, the PHOTOS or the text will not befoul this column. And we won't accidentally misspell "Bill" this way: "MILF". That would be incredibly bad spelling, and we have spell-check.

We know that this makes us come off as fuddy-duddies, but that's who we are. We're middle aged men with families, and we insist on being respectful. That's why those Hollywood lunatics can release CELEBRITY SEX TAPES until the cows come home--we won't write about them or show the CELEBRITY SEX VIDEOS here. J-LO'S PREGNANCY can reach it's full-term in peace as far as we're concerned. We don't care about THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. We don't need to see ULTRA-SOUND PICTURES OF J-LO'S BABY, and we don't wonder if BEN AFFLECK IS THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. It's none of our business.

Our rejection of CELEBRITY SLEAZE is not caused by a holier than thou attitude. We're not claiming to be "artists" or "activists." Even if JK ROWLING writes a SURPRISE HARRY POTTER SEQUEL and the SECRET MANUSCRIPT falls into our UNCLOTHED MALE hands, we won't mention it. We don't write about politics either, and not even GEORGE BUSH'S NATIONAL GUARD RECORDS, RUDY GIULIANI'S SEALED DIVORCE PAPERS, or JOHN KERRY'S MILITARY MEDICAL RECORDS will make us change that policy. Period.

Look, we're just a couple of guys trying to write a few jokes. Come back next week and we'll try to have some.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHS IN BREAKUPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



A story in the news a few weeks ago caught our attention. A woman decided to get back at her ex-boyfriend by putting a picture of his wife and her phone number on "adult" websites. Sure, she was arrested for harassment, but you have to give her credit for her creativity.

It got us to thinking about the ways breaking up has changed over the past few years thanks to technology. The whole dynamic is different now. You can judge for yourself if the new dynamic is better, worse, or about the same.

Then: Put all of her pictures in a pile, and set them on fire; watching her face melt, blacken, turn into ash, and evaporate into dust.
Now: Click, highlight, and delete her photos from your hard-drive.

Then: Driving past his house and throwing microwaved tomatoes at it.
Now: Sending a digital photo to his cell-phone—of you giving him the finger.

Then: Having to make one last visit to her apartment to get all your records back.
Now: Sending an e-mail asking her to e-mail your music back to you.


Then: Risking it all by listening to the radio after the break up, knowing that at any moment the DJ could inadvertently play “your” song.
Now: I-Pod, baby. Either delete “your” song entirely, or don’t use the shuffle feature for a few months—just in case.

Then: Driving by to see if her lights are on.
Now: Using a scanner to listen in on the baby monitor.

Then: Sending him a pizza at 3 in the morning.
Now: Sending him a computer virus at any time.

Then: Re-reading her love letters from a happier time, glossing over the bad times and only remembering the good times.
Now: Looking at your cell-phone bill and tracking the memory of each call…she loved me, she started to get irritated with me, she told me I was a jerk, she broke up with me, she told me that if I ever called her again she would get a restraining order.

Then: Reliving the grief a million times each time an unsuspecting friend asks how he is doing.
Now: Emergency IM session with a few hundred friends—all at once.

Then: You can’t even recognize her face on those deteriorating old “Private Polaroid’s.”
Now: “Ex-Girlfriend” websites can give her the kind of world-wide audience she never expected.

Then: Throwing all of his belongings onto the front lawn.
Now: Selling all of his belongings on E-bay.

Then: Using the remote code to check her answering machine messages while she’s at work, only to hear her new boyfriend’s voice on the machine.
Now: Checking her cell-phone voicemail and deleting messages from her new boyfriend before she can hear them.


See what we mean? The whole world of break ups has drastically changed. Also, it occurs to us some of the old classics have been destroyed by technology forever. For instance, in the old days you could call a million times waiting for that one chance to get her on the line. Now, with caller I.D, automatic callback, and privacy manager, you would be exposed as the psycho boy you really are.

Also, you can’t use her phone number when you contribute to a charity anymore. What’s the use of getting her number on every single telemarketer’s phone list when she’s on the national no-call list?

Oh well, time marches on.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 5 ACCEPTANCE, PART 1

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the final stage, Acceptance.

You've come a long way baby. Take a look at where you can go from here. You need look no further than the few periods in history when Fullheads did not rule the world.

Denial was just a River in Egypt


When we talk about Ancient Egypt, we’re really talking about the years between 2900 B.C. and 300 B.C. That’s a pretty substantial reign there, and during that time baldness was more than just common place; it was preferred.

Of course there are many different theories about how and why this occurred. Many scholars believe that the Egyptians shaved their heads because of the hot climate. Others believe they did it to keep their hair free from vermin. Both of those reasons were probably given by our Egyptian brothers to convince their peers, and you have to give them kudos for their moxie. Unfortunately, history has not recorded the name of the genius that convinced an entire civilization to join him in all of his bald glory.

Using our advanced knowledge of Egyptology (and fluency in hieroglyphics), plus our profound knowledge of the bald man’s psyche, we’ve been able to recreate that moment here for the first time. In order for a greater number of 21st century men to understand it, we’ve taken the time to translate this from hieroglyphics to English. The Fullhead in question, while also not identified, was probably a pharaoh. It had to be someone high up the executive chart. Now, without further ado, is that historical conversation.

Fullhead: This sun is causing me to sweat. I cannot stay out in the sun and supervise the slaves today. Let them build the pyramids without my consultation.

Bald man: I never have that problem. I don’t sweat as much as you.

Fullhead: Is that a glandular thing?

Bald man: Not at all. I have decided that in this heat I must divest my head of any extra warmth.

Fullhead: I once thought your baldness was a weakness. Now I am not so sure. Tell me, bald man, how is it that I can’t see the vermin on your head despite your lack of hair to disguise it.

Bald man: I have no vermin on my head. The vermin actually lives in hair. And since I have no hair, I have no vermin.

Fullhead: This bald man speaks the truth. From this day forward, let it be written that every Egyptian must be as bald and vermin free as my friend here.

Bald man: You won’t be sorry.

What can a bald-centric society accomplish? Some twenty four centuries later the world still travels to Egypt to marvel at Ancient Egypt’s tribute to smooth baldness; the Pyramids. While everyone now claims the slaves of the time were responsible for building the pyramids, we have no way of knowing whether or not the slaves lived by the styles of the day. If so, we salute their accomplishment. If not, let’s face it, they didn’t design the thing. They just did the grunt work.

The Renaissance

For our purposes here, we’re talking about the years between 1500 or so and July 14, 1789. While it’s currently unpopular to give the French credit for anything, let’s not forget their heyday; the Renaissance. It was in the 16th century that one of our French brothers began wearing a wig. It slowly started catching on with the rest of our brothers, and by the 17th century God smiled down on society from above. He sent a bald king by the name of Louis XIII. Louis loved the wigs worn by our bald brothers, and when he began wearing one, it set the fashion. This fashion spread throughout the rest of Western Society as well. His son, Louis XIV (also known as the Sun King--perhaps the most famous King of the Millennium), had such a passion for wigs he had hundreds of them.

The Age of Reason

What was the result of this pro-wig society? Some of the greatest thinkers of the past millennium lived during this time.

For two hundred blissful years, the wig was not an object of derision; it was a necessity for a gentleman to be accepted by society. People were actually expected to wear wigs. For two hundred years, man was judged not by the hair on his head, but by what he said and did. Great thinkers who had been kept down by society for eighteen centuries were finally able to emerge and function as peers. With the wig for cover, these bald greats walked side by side with Fullheads in society. And the accomplishments of the era speak for themselves.

Great thinkers like Sir Isaac Newton, Goethe, and Voltaire would have been using their brain power to come up with something like “At least I don’t spend all my money on brushes and combs” if they had lived just one hundred years earlier. Without the wig, and the enlightened thought that was allowed to flourish because of it, western culture would still be wasting its time on Crusades in the Middle East.

Toupee or not Toupee


While we mourn the loss of Renaissance society’s pre-occupation with the wig, it should be noted that two brave bald souls achieved greatness during that era without the benefit of a wig. That makes their accomplishments even more astounding. They should be the model for modern day bald man. Their names? William Shakespeare and Leonardo Da Vinci.

Da Vinci was a scientist, an artist, an astrologer, an inventor, and a guy who presumably came up with some sort of code that people are still reading about in the thriller section of the bookstore. Shakespeare also has a place in the bookstore of today. He still sells a copy or two of his big plays, and there are more than a few references to our people in his work. Let’s not forget that one of his most famous plays was called “Much Ado about Nothing,” and if that isn’t an homage to baldness, what is? The following quotes are further examples…
“What’s gone, and what’s past help, should be past grief.”
--The Winter’s Tale

“So what if I’m bald, what are thou going to do about it, bitch?”
--Confrontation with best friend Richard Burbage outside Globe Theatre, January 17, 1591

Our Founding Fathers

“Three things are men most likely to be cheated in, a horse, a wig, and a wife”.
--Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanac

We hear it so often it’s really become a cliché, but the United States of America is considered the greatest country in the world. Our system of government is admired everywhere and helped turn the Western World into the champion of democracy. Is it a coincidence that many, if not all, of our Founding Fathers wore wigs? Have we been able to write a groundbreaking document since the wig went out of style? Let’s see, there was the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Since that time the only great additions to those documents were no-brainers: ending slavery and letting women vote. The other attempts haven’t exactly been glorious have they? Prohibition? Limiting the president to two terms? C’mon.

Among the great wig-wearers who helped create this country were George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. One is merely known as “The Father of our Country” and the other has been called the “Renaissance Man” of the Founding Fathers; a fountain of knowledge and wit, and the face on the $100 bill.

The Beginning of the End


We mark the end of The Age of Reason with the beginning of the French Revolution. The date: July 14, 1789. When those French peasants rushed the Bastille, our people were forever thrown back into darkness. On that day, the wig became a symbol of the wealthy aristocracy. It was “the man” of it’s time, and nobody likes “the man.”

Still, the wig would have quietly retreated to the pages of history, if not for our bald brothers of the time. Most of the aristocracy gave up their wigs and tried to blend in with the new Fullhead society. If all of them had done it, they may have averted a tragedy. However, our bald brothers within the French aristocracy were unwilling to give up their wigs. Faced with the choice of uncovering their baldness or being executed, they chose execution. By the end of the French Revolution not a single one had survived, and the French have contributed nothing to society since.


The Third Bald Era

The reason why our French brothers reacted the way they did was that they instinctively realized that the good times were over—and probably over forever. So far, that has proven to be true. However, there is no time like the present.

If only our bald brothers around the world would stop wasting their time in the first four stages of grieving, we could band together and use our superior intellect and numbers to create a world where our people could roam free.

Next month, in our final installment, we'll show you the way.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR GROWN-UPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




It's time once again for our annual Halloween costume tips. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown ups ripped out of this year's headlines.


1. Senator Larry Craig

Simple costume. Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe. When sitting, using a really, really, wide stance.
Sample party comment: "I loooove this mauve couch, er, uh, I mean, how 'bout them Bears?"


2. Lisa Nowak
Wear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.
Sample party comment: "Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn't noticed."


3. Mark Prior

All that's necessary is a #22 Cubs jersey, a Cubs hat, and a sling for your arm.
Sample party comment: "I would have had this at my house, but my doctor told me not to 'throw' a party at all this off-season."


4. George Bush 2005-2007
Write the numbers 2005-2007 on the forehead of your George Bush mask, then tape a picture of Alberto Gonzales on the back of your pants so it "covers your ass."
Sample party comment: "Mind if I conduct a little unlawful 'surveillance' on that hot blonde over there?"


5. Keith Richards
Wear a bandana on your head, hold a cigarette in one hand, and carry an urn under your arm.
Sample party comment: "Who wants a hit of my dad?"


6. Michael Vick
This costume will never be cheaper than it is right now. His jerseys are going for about $10 on eBay.
Sample party comment: "I'll make the hot dogs! What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?"


7. Rudy Guiliani
Wear a bald wig and a business suit, hunch your back, and plan your arrival time down to the minute.
Sample party comment: "Sorry we're so late...is it already 9:11?"


8. OJ Simpson

Did you really think you wouldn't be able to use that black knit cap and black gloves costume again?
Sample party comment: "Who wants to help me get my pretzels back from that lady's plate over there?"


9. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: "No thank you. I won't eat from the deli tray until it converts."

And of course, this one from last year's list will work for at least two more Halloweens...


10. President Bush's War Strategy

Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."