Monday, September 10, 2012

Memorable Thoughts


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. –Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. –Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ –Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. –Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns
The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal

Friday, February 27, 2009

Marriage Quotes by Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good", and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it in your ass!"

Trick Question

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

Female vs Male Friendships

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Materialistic Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer.

The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

The Lawyer's Funeral

A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the only people there, and is surprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?” he asks.

A man turns towards him and says, “We''re all clients.”

“And you ALL came to pay your respects?”

“No, we came to make sure he was really dead.”

Message From Management

TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.