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Monty Python's Life of Brian

Angels' Choir: [Sort of a Chant to the Star of Bethlehem]

Brian: Uhuhlk! Gaspar: Hrmhrm!

Mother falling off stool: [Crash]

Mother: Uhooh! Who are you?

Gaspar: We are three wise men.

Mother: What?

Melchior: We are three wise men.

Mother: Well, what are you doing creeping under a couch at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

Balthasar: We are astrologists.

Melchior: We have come from the East.

Mother: Is this some kind of joke?

Gaspar: We wish to praise the infant.

Melchior: We must pay a homage to him.

Mother: Homage? You're all drunk! It's disgusting! Out! Come on, out!

Gaspar: No...

Mother: Barge in here with tales about all the ancient fortune-tellers. Come on, out!

Gaspar: No, no, we must see him!

Mother: Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

Melchior: We...we were led by a star!

Mother: Led by a bottle more like! Go on, out!

Melchior: Well, well, we must see him, we have brought presents!

Mother: Out!

Gaspar: Gold, frankincense, myrrh!

Mother: Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a...bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway?

Balthasar: It is a valuable balm.

Mother: A balm?! What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him!

Balthasar: What?

Mother: That's a dangerous animal! Quick, throw it in the trough!

Melchior: No, it isn't!

Mother: Yes, it is! It's great big uhug...

Gaspar: No, no, no, it is an ointment.

Mother: Oh, well, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're astrologists, are you? Well, what is he then?

Gaspar: Hm?

Mother: What star-sign is he?

Gaspar: Ehm...capricorn.

Mother: Ah, capricorn, eh? What are they like?

Gaspar: Oh, well, he's the son of God, ah, Messiah.

Melchior: King of the Jews!

Mother: And that's capricorn, is it?

Gaspar: Ehm, no, no, no, that's just him!

Mother: Oh, that's good to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. Snhff.

Melchior: By what name are you calling him?

Mother: Uhm, Brian.

All three wise men: We worship you, oh Brian, who are lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our father. Amen.

Mother: Do you do a lot of this, then?

Gaspar: What?

Mother: This praising.

Gaspar: No, no...no, no.

Mother: Oh, well, ehm, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, ahm, but don't worry too much about the myrrh the next time, all right? Huh. Thank you! Goodbye!

Hen: Gdisk!

Mother: Well, were they nice? Hm! Out of their bloody minds, but still, look at that! Hohoho...hear! Hear! Here, that...that's mine! Hey! Hey, you could hate me, hey! Ourrgh!

Angel's Choir: [Chant to Jesus Christ]

Brian: Aiihaih!

Mother: Shut up!

Mother's hand striking Brian: [Smack]

Brian: Aih!


Female Singer: Brian, the babe they called Brian, he grew, he grew, and grew, grew up to be, grew up to be, a boy called Brian. A boy called Brian, he had arms, and legs, and head, and feet, the boy, whose name was Brian.

Man sleeping on cloud falling: Aaargh!

Female Singer: And he grew, he grew, grew, and grew, grew up to be, yes, he grew up to be, yes, his name was Brian, a teenager called Brian. And his face became spotty, yes, his face became spotty, and his voice dropped down low, and things started to grow, on young Brian and so, he was certainly no, no girl named Brian, not a girl named Brian. And he started to shave, and have one off the wrist, and want to see girls, and go out and get pissed, a man called Brian, this man called Brian, the man they called Brian, this man called Briaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Flying Prophet imploding upon contact with the sun: [Bang]

Flying Prophet: Aiiih!


Jesus Christ: How blessed are those who know that he's of God. How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail; they shall be satisfied. How blessed are those whose hearts are pure; they shall see God.

Mother: Speak up!

Brian: Sch, quiet, mum!

Mother: Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to a stoning!

Bignose: Ssch!

Brian: You can go to a stoning anytime!

Mother: Ah, come on, Brian!

Bignose: Will you be quiet!

Bignose's Wife: Don't pick your nose!

Bignose: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.

Bignose's Wife: You was picking it while you was talking to that lady!

Bignose: I wasn't!

Bignose's Wife: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Wiseguy: Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying.

Bignose's Wife: Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband!

Wiseguy: Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody thing!

Bignose: Don't you swear at my wife!

Wiseguy: Well, I was only asking her to shut up so that I can hear what he's saying, Bignose!

Bignose's Wife: Don't you call my husband "Bignose"!

Bignose: Well, he has got a big nose.

Bearded Man: Could you be quiet, please? What was that?

Wiseguy: I don't know, I was too busy talking to Bignose!

Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".

Bearded Man's Wife: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

Bearded Man: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

Wiseguy: See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, Bignose.

Bignose: Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!

Wiseguy: Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about "Blessed are the Bignoses".

Brian: Oh, lay off him!

Wiseguy: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

Wiseguy: One more time, mate, I'll take you to fucking cleaners!

Bignose's Wife: Language! And don't pick your nose!

Bignose: I wasn't going to pick my nose! I'm gonna thump him!

Spectator II: Hear that, blessed are the Greek!

Bearded Man: The Greek?

Spectator II: Hmm. Well, apparently he's going to inherit the earth.

Bearded Man: Did anyone catch his name?

Bignose's Wife: You're not gonna thump anybody!

Bignose: I'll thump him if he calls me "Bignose" again!

Wiseguy: Oh, shut up, Bignose!

Bignose: Ha, right! I warned you! I really will slug you! Saaah...

Bignose's Wife: Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, innit? I'm glad they're getting something because they had a hell of a time.

Wiseguy: Listen, I'm only telling the truth, you have got a very big nose!

Bignose: Hey, your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I'm finished with you!

Spectator I & Spectator II: Ssch!

Wiseguy: Well, who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother?

Bignose: All right, that's your last warning!

Bearded Man's Wife: Oh, do quiet down!

Bignose hitting Bearded Man's Wife: [Thump]

Bearded Man's Wife: Aiih!

Bignose: Silly bitch, getting in the way!

Bearded Man: Aaargh! Bignose: Racket all the way...

Mother: Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning!

Brian: All right.

Rogers: Well, blessed is just about everyone with a fested interest in the status quo, if I'm right with you there, Reg?

Reg: Yeah, well, what Jesus quietly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who're the problem.

Judith: Yes, yes, absolutely Reg, yes, I see!

Mother: Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have him stoned before we get there.

Brian: All right.

Bignose: Aaargh!

Bearded Man's Wife: Lay off!

Wiseguy: Hey, don't be there, he's just lying there, Bignose. Stop that, there's a rape going on, frankly speaking, it's he that started it all...

Mother: Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.

Brian: Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?

Mother: It's written, that's why.

Beard and stone seller: Pssst! Beard, madam?

Woman carrying donkey: Oh, look, I haven't got the time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.

Donkey: Oink! Oink!

Beard and stone seller: Stone, sir?

Mother: No, they've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.

Beard and stone seller: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this! Feel the quality of that, that's craftmanship, sir.

Mother: Hmm...all right, we'll have two with points and...a big flat one.

Brian: Could I have a flat one, mum?

Mother: Ssch!

Brian: Sorry! Dad!

Mother: Ehm...all right, two points, ahm...two flats and a packet of gravel.

Beard and stone seller: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.

Mother: Hm?

Beard and stone seller: Local boy.

Mother: Oh, good.

Beard and stone seller: Enjoy yourselves!

Women disguised as bearded men: [Scream] [Yell]

Bird: Fuiit!

Priest: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...

Matthias: Do I say yes?

Guard: Yes.

Matthias: Yes!

Priest: ...you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so as a blasphemer...

Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh...

Priest: ...you are to be stoned to death!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aah!

Matthias: Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was: "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehova!".

Women disguised as bearded men: Oooh!

Priest: Blasphemy! He said it again!

Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Priest: Did you hear him?!

Women disguised as bearded men: Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Woman: Really!

Priest: Are there any women here today?

Women disguised as bearded men: Uh...ooh...no...

Priest: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

Rock thrown at Matthias: [Bladonk]

Women disguised as bearded men: Ooh...

Matthias: Oh, lay off! We haven't started yet!

Priest: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on!

Women disguised as bearded men: She did! She did! He did! He did! He did!

Woman: Sorry, I thought we'd started.

Priest: Go to the back!

Woman: Oh, dear...

Priest: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?

Matthias: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehova"!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih! He did!

Priest: You're only making it worse for yourself!

Matthias: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehova, Jehova, Jehova!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

Priest: I'm warning you! If you say Jehova once more...

Rock thrown at Priest: [Bladonk]

Priest: Right! Who threw that?

Matthias: Hehehe...

Priest: Come on! Who threw that?

Women disguised as bearded men: She did! She did! She did! Him! Him! Him!

Priest: Was it you?

Woman II: Yes.

Priest: Right...

Woman II: Well, you did say Jehova!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

Rocks thrown at Woman II: [Multiple Bladonks]

Priest: Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say Jehova!

Women disguised as bearded men: Aiiih!

Rocks thrown at Priest: [Multiple Bladonks]

Priest: Aaargh!

Large boulder crushing Priest: [Bladonk]

Woman III: Good shot!

Women disguised as bearded men: [Applause]

Brian: Have I got a big nose, mum?

Mother: Oh, stop thinking about sex!

Brian: I wasn't!

Mother: You're always on about it. Morning, noon and night: "Will the girls like this, will the girls like that? Is it too big, is it too small?"

Leper I: A fish, sir?

Leper II: Alms for a leper!

Leper III: Alms for a leper!

Ex-leper: Alms for an ex-leper! Bloody donkey-owners, all the same, ain't they? Never have any change. Oh, here they... touch! Spare a talent for an old ex-leper!

Mother: Buzz off!

Ex-leper: Spare a talent for an old ex-leper!

Mother: A talent? That's more than he earns in a month!

Ex-leper: Half a talent then?

Mother: No, get away!

Ex-leper: Come on Bignose, let's haggle!

Brian: What?

Ex-leper: All right, cut the haggling, let's say you open at one shekel, I start at 2000, we close at about 1800.

Brian: No.

Ex-leper: 1750?

Mother: Go away!

Ex-leper: 1740?

Mother: Look, will you leave him alone!

Ex-leper: All right. Two shekels, just two. Isn't this fun, eh?

Mother: Look, he is not giving you any money, so piss off!

Ex-leper: All right sir, my final offer, half a shekel for an old ex-leper?

Brian: Did you say ex-leper?

Ex-leper: That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind a bell and fradock, sir.

Brian: Oh...what happened?

Ex-leper: I was cured, sir.

Brian: Cured?

Ex-leper: Yes, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you!

Brian: Oh, who cured you?

Ex-leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute I'm alive and newsgone. Not so much as a bye or league! "You're cured, mate". Bloody do-gooder.

Brian: Tough. Why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again?

Ex-leper: Aah, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. Well, what the thing was I was going to ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something peckable but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass, to be blunt despute my French servant.

Mother: Brian! Come and clean your room out!

Brian: Here you are.

Ex-leper: Thank you, sir. Than...half a dinare for me bloody life story?

Brian: There's no pleasing some people.

Ex-leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir!

Door being kicked in by mother: [Bladonk]

Mother: Oh.

Roman Officer: Good afternoon.

Mother: Oh, eh...hello, officer, ehrm...I'll be with you in a few moments, all right with you?

Brian: What's he doing here?

Mother: Ehm...ah, don't start that Brian, ehm...go and clean your room out.

Brian: The bloody Romans!

Mother: Now, look Brian! If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this. And don't you forget it.

Brian: We don't owe the Romans anything, mum.

Mother: Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?

Brian: What do you mean?

Mother: Well...you know when you were asking me about your...

Brian: My nose?

Mother: Yes, well...there's a reason it's like it is, Brian.

Brian: What is it?

Mother: Oh, well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but...

Brian: What?

Mother: Well, Brian, your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

Brian: I never thought he was!

Mother: Now none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

Brian: You mean...you were raped?!

Mother: Well...at first, yes.

Brian: Who was it?

Mother: Huh...Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm...promised me the known world, he did. I was to be taken to Rome, house by the Forums, slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me he had; voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

Brian: He's a bastard!

Mother: Yes, and next time you go on about the "bloody Romans", don't forget you're one of them.

Brian: I'm not a Roman mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a jid, a heebe, a hooknose! I'm kosher, mum! I'm a red-sea pedestrian and proud of it!

Brian closing door: [Bladonk]

Mother: Huh...sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh? Hm. Well, how are you then, officer?


Speaker's Voice: Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is between: Frank the Loyal, the Macedonian baby smacker, and Boris Fineburn.

Brian: Ah, right, thank you, madam. Lark's tongues! Wren's livers! Chaffinch's brains! Jaguar's earlobes! Wolve's nibble chips! Get them while they're off, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzel verily after dinner! Tuscany fried bats!

Judith: I do feel Reg, that any anti-imperialistic group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interest within its powerbase.

Reg: Agreed. Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the unalienable right of every man...

Stan: Or woman.

Rogers: ...or woman to rid himself...

Stan: Or herself.

Rogers: ...or herself...

Reg: Agreed.

Rogers: Thank you, brother.

Stan: Or sister.

Rogers: Or sister...where was I?

Reg: I think you'd finished.

Rogers: Oh. Right.

Reg: Further more, it it the birthright of every man...

Stan: Or woman.

Reg: Why don't you shut up about women, Stan? You're putting us off.

Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Rogers: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: I want to be one.

Reg: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.

Reg: What?

Loretta: It's my right as a man.

Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Loretta: I want to have babies.

Reg: You want to have babies?!

Loretta: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But...you can't have babies!

Loretta: Don't you opress me!

Reg: I'm not opressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where is the foetus going to gestate? You're going to keep it in a box?

Loretta: Sniff.

Judith: Here, I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.

Rogers: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister! Sorry.

Reg: What's the point?

Rogers: What?

Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?

Rogers: It is symbolic of our struggle against opression.

Reg: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

Trumpets: [Fanfares]

Audience: [Applause]

Guard: Get out there! Ah, get out there!

Victim: It's dangerous out there! Aah! Aiih! Oh.

Audience: Aah...come on! Ooh... Out a lot of garbage.

Brian: Lark's tongues! Otter's noses! Ozelot spleens!

Reg: Got any nuts?

Brian: Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger spleens...

Reg: No, no, no...

Brian: Otters' noses?

Reg: I don't want any of that Roman rubbish!

Judith: Why don't you sell proper food?

Brian: Proper food?

Reg: Yeah, not those rich imperialist tippets!

Brian: Oh, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff!

Reg: All right, bag of otter's noses, then.

Rogers: Make it two.

Reg: Two.

Rogers: Thanks, Reg.

Brian: Are you the Judean People's Front?

Reg: Fuck off!

Brian: What?

Reg: Judean People's Front! We're The People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front, God!

Rogers: Blighters...

Brian: Can I...join your group?

Reg: No, piss off!

Brian: I didn't want to sell this stufff, it's only a job! I hate the Romans as much as anybody!

All in PFJ except Brian: Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch!

Brian: Oh.

Judith: Are you sure?

Brian: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

Reg: Listen! If you wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to have really hate the Romans.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh, yeah, how much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right, you're in. Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans, are the fucking Judean People's Front.

All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah!

Judith: Splitters!

Rogers: And the Judean Popular People's Front!

All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!

Loretta: And the People's Front of Judea!

All in PFJ except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!

Reg: What?

Loretta: The People's Front of Judea. Splitters!

Reg: We are the People's Front of Judea!

Loretta: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

Reg: People's Front! God...

Rogers: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?

Reg: He's over there.

All in PFJ except Brian: Splitter!

Gladiator: Oh, oh...I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest! Ooh...aah!

Roman I: Absolutely dreadful!

Roman II: Huh.

Audience: [Applause]

Reg: Peace, brother! Haha! What's your name?

Brian: Brian. Brian...Cohen.

Reg: We may have a little job for you, Brian.

Centurion: What's this then? Romanes eunt domus? People call around marnays they go the house?

Brian: It...it says: "Romans go home."

Centurion: No, it doesn't.

Brian: Aih.

Centurion: What's Latin for Romans? Come on!

Brian: Aih! Aah! Romanus!

Centurion: Goes like...?

Brian: Anis?

Centurion: Vocative plural of anis is...?

Brian: Ani?

Centurion: Romani...Eunt? What is eunt?

Brian: "Go"! De...

Centurion: Conjugate the verb "go"!

Brian: Aah...ere, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

Centurion: So eunt is...?

Brian: Aah, ehm...third person plural present indicative. Ehm..."they go".

Centurion: But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the...?

Brian: Aih! Imperative!

Centurion: Which is...?

Brian: Ehm, oh...oh, ehm...i, i!

Centurion: How many Romans?

Brian: Aah! it's...plural, plural! Ite! Ite!

Centurion: Ite.

Brian: Aah, ah.

Centurion: Domus? Nominative?

Brian: Ah, ah?

Centurion: "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?

Brian: Ehm...ehm...dative sir?

Sword: [Slinskt]

Brian: Aih! Ooh! Not dative, not the dative, sir! Nah, aah! Ooh! The...accusative! Accusative! Aah! Domum, sir! Ad domum! Aah, ooh!

Centurion: Except that domus takes the...?

Brian: Aah! The locative, sir! Aah!

Centurion: Which is...?

Brian: Domum! Aah, ah, aah...

Centurion: Domum...um. Understand?

Brian: Yes, sir!

Centurion: Now, write that a hundred times!

Brian: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!

Centurion: Hail Caesar! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Brian: Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Aah. Mmh! Aah... Finished! Aah.

Roman Soldier: Right. Now, don't do it again!

Man with bag: Hey! Bloody Romans...

Rogers: We get in through the underground heating-system here ,up through an inamane audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and fore with issue our demands. Any questions?

Revolutionary I: What exactly are the demands?

Reg: We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

Matthias: Cut her head off?

Rogers: Cut all her bits off! Send them back on the hour, every hour! Seldom why not to be tried for it.

Reg: And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmale.

All revolutionaries except Reg: No blackmale!

Reg: They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us! From our fathers, and from our father's fathers.

Loretta: And from our father's father's fathers.

Reg: Yeah.

Loretta: And from our father's father's father's fathers.

Reg: Yeah, all right Stan, don't delay with the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

Revolutionary I: The aqueduct?

Reg: What?

Revolutionary I: The aqueduct.

Reg: Oh. Yeah, yeah, they did give us that, ah, that's true, yeah.

Revolutionary II: And the sanitation.

Loretta: Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.

Reg: Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct and sanitation, the two things the Romans have done.

Matthias: And the roads.

Reg: Oh, yeah, obviously the roads. I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads...

Revolutionary III: Irrigation.

Revolutionary I: Medicine.

Revolutionary IV: Education.

Reg: Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough.

Revolutionary V: And the wine.

All revolutionaries except Reg: Oh, yeah! Right!

Rogers: Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.

Revolutionary VI: Public baths.

Loretta: And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.

Rogers: Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it; they're the only ones who could in a place like this.

All revolutionaries except Reg: Hahaha...all right...

Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

Revolutionary I: Brought peace?

Reg: Oh, peace! Shut up!

Judith: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] ... [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] [Knock]

Matthias: I'm a poor man, my sight is sore, my legs are old and bented.

Judith: All right, Matthias.

Matthias: It's all clear.

Judith: Well, where's Reg?

Rogers: Oh, Reg! Reg! Judith!

Reg: What went wrong?

Judith: The first blow has been struck! Reg: Did he finish the slogan? Judith: A hundred times! In letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace! Reg: Oh, great! Great! We...we need doers in our movement Brian, but...before you join us, know this: there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country the Romans once and for all. Revolutionary VII: Ehm...well, one. Reg: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one. But otherwise we're solid. Are you with us? Brian: Yes! Reg: From now on you shall be called "Brian that is called Brian". Fill him in about the raid on the Pilate's palace, Francis. Rogers: Right! This is the plan! Rogers: Now, this is the palace at Caesar Square. Our commando-unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the PFJ, will be co-ordinating the assailant at the drain heighin. Though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. Revolutionary VIII: Aren't you going to come with us? Reg: Solidarity, brother! Revolutionary VIII: Oh, yes...solidarity, Reg. Rogers: Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There's a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast. And don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus' Memorial Sewer, and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been retiled, so terrorists: careful with those weapons! We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habakkuk to get out his prom. Habakkuk's Prom: 11*[Konk] Terrorists' leader: Campaign for fFree Galilee! Rogers: Oh, ehm...People's Front of Judea. Officials. Terrorists' leader: Oh. Rogers: What's your group doing here? Terrorists' leader: We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. Rogers: So are we. Terrorists' leader: What? Rogers: That's our plan. Terrorists' leader: We were here first. Rogers: What do you mean? Terrorists' leader: We thought of it first. Loretta: Oh, yeah? Terrorists' leader: Yeah. It's a couple of years ago. All revolutionaries: Ohohoh... Terrorists' leader: We did! Rogers: Okay, ohkokh, come on. You got all your demands worked out, eh? Terrorists' leader: Of course we have! Rogers: What are they? Terrorists' leader: Well, I'm not telling you! Rogers: Oh, come on! Tell me another one! Terrorists' leader: Arghule complaining! We thought of it before you! Loretta: Did not! Rogers: You did not! Terrorists' leader: We did! Rogers: You did not! Terrorists' leader: We did! Rogers: You did not! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Rogers and terrorist leader: Ssch! Ssch! Terrorists' leader: You bastards! We've been planning this for months! Rogers: Well, tough ticking for you, fish face! Aoh, ooh! Sorry! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Ah, ouh! You slime! Sorry! Arrgh! Brian: Brothers, brothers! We should be struggling together! Rogers: We are! Oh! Brian: We mustn't fight each other! Surely, we should be united against the common enemy! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: The Judean People's Front?! Brian: No, no, the Romans! All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Oh, yeah...yeah. Yes. Yeah, he's right. Terrorist I: Look out! Rogers: Careful! Terrorists' leader: Right! Where were we? Rogers: Ehm...you were going to punch him. Aah, eh. Terrorists' leader: Oh, yeah. Auh, eh. All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Aouh! Arrgh! [Thump][Thump] Arrgh...aie! Brian: Brothers! Terrorist and revolutionary: Aouh! Ahh, ah, ah... Blunt Object: [Thump] Brian: Ouh! Prisoners: Oah! Ouhoh! Brian: Aie! Jailor I: Hehehe! Brian: Auh! Jailor I: Huhuhe! Prisoner: You lucky bastard! Brian: Who's that? Prisoner: You lucky, lucky bastard! Brian: What? Prisoner: Probably the little jailies' pet, aren't we? Brian: What do you mean? Prisoner: You must have slipt him a few shekels, eh? Brian: Slipt him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! Prisoner: Oh, ohoh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face. Brian: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles! Prisoner: Manacles! Ohuuhoh...what idea of reaving; is to be allowed to put in manacles, just for a few hours. They must think a sun shines out your arse, sonny! Brian: Oh, lay off me, I've had a hard time! Prisoner: You've had a hard time!? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday! So don't you come 'round... Brian: All right, all right! Prisoner: They must think you're lord God Almighty. Brian: What will they do to me? Prisoner: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. Brian: Crucifixion?! Prisoner: Yeah. First offense. Brian: Get away with crucifixion?! It's... Prisoner: Best thing the Romans ever did for us. Brian: What? Prisoner: Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess. Brian: Guard! Prisoner: Nail 'em up I say! Brian: Guard! Prisoner: Nail some sense into 'em! Jailor I: Hahrkhm...what do you want? Brian: I want you to move me to another cell. Jailor I: Hah! Ptui! [Spit] Brian: Aehw! Prisoner: Oh! Look at that! Bloody favouritism! Jailor I: Shut up, you! Prisoner: Sorry! Jailor I: Huah! Huhuhu... Prisoner: Now take my case. They hang me up here five years ago. Every night they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again. Which I guard as very fair, in view of what I've done. And if nothing else, it has taught me to respect the Romans, and it has taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you are prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's... Brian: Oh, shut up! Jailor I: Here. Centurion: Pilate wants to see you! Brian: Me? Centurion: Come on! Brian: Pilate? What does he want to see me for? Centurion: I think he wants to know which way you want to be crucified. Prisoner: Oh, hahahaha, haha! Nice one, centurion! Like it, like it. Centurion: Shut up! Prisoner: Right, right. Terrific race, the Romans! Terrific. Pontius Pilate: ...and down to this avea. Aah. Centurion: Hail Caesar! Pontius Pilate: Hail! Centurion: Only one survivor, sir. Pontius Pilate: Aah. Thvow him to the floor! Centurion: What, sir? Pontius Pilate: Thvow him to the floor! Centurion: Aah. Brian: Aie! Pontius Pilate: Hm! Now, what is your name, Jew? Brian: Brian, sir. Pontius Pilate: Bvian, eh? Brian: No, no; Brian. Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aie! Pontius Pilate: Huhuhuhu...The little vascal has spivit! Centurion: Has what, sir? Pontius Pilate: Spivit. Centurion: Yes, he did, sir. Pontius Pilate: No, no, spivit! Sort of...bombavdo, a touch of devving-do. Centurion: Oh. Ehm...about eleven, sir. Pontius Pilate: So...you dave to vaid us? Brian: To what, sir? Pontius Pilate: Stvike him centurion, vevy roughly! Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aih! Centurion: Oh, and, ehm...throw him to the floor, sir? Pontius Pilate: What? Centurion: Throw him to the floor again, sir? Pontius Pilate: Oh, yes. Thvow him to the floor, please. Brian: Aie! Pontius Pilate: Now, Jewish vapscalion... Brian: I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman! Pontius Pilate: A Voman? Brian: No, no; Roman. Centurions' hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aie! Centurion: So, your father was a Voman. Who was he? Brian: He was a centurion, in the Jerusalem garrison, sir. Pontius Pilate: Veally? What was his name? Brian: Naughtius Maximus. Centurion: Pahaha... Pontius Pilate: Centuvion, do you have anyone of that name in the gavvison? Centurion: Well...no, sir. Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked? Centurion: Well, no, sir, ehm...I think it's a joke, sir. Like, ehm, Sillius Soddus, or...or, Biggus Dickus, sir. Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate: What's, ehm...funny about Biggus Dickus? Centurion: Well, it's a joked name, sir. Pontius Pilate: I have a vevy gveat fviend in Vome called Biggus Dickus. Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vevy quickly, with votten behaviouv like that. Brian: Can I go now, sir? Centurion's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aie! Aou... Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! Legionary III: Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate: Vight! Take him away! Centurion: Oh sir, he ju... Pontius Pilate: No, no, I want him fighting rabid wild animals within a week! Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you! Legionary III: Oh, hahahaha...hohoho! Hoho... Pontius Pilate: I will not have my friends ridiculed by the common soldiery! Anybody else feel like a little...giggle, when I mention my friend...Biggus...Dickus? Legionary IV: Pffhrpffpfff... Pontius Pilate: And what about you? Do you find it...risible, when I say the name...Biggus... Legionary IV: Iik! Pontius Pilate: ...Dickus? Legionaries I and II: Pffhrpffpfff...hihihi... Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called...Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks. All legionaries: Pffhrpffpfff...hahaha... Pontius Pilate: Shut up! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel, spickely behaviour! Silence! You call yourselves Pawaetonian guards? Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! Big club: [Bladonk] [Bladonk] Worker's hand against step: [Donk] Worker: Hm? Hmm. Fuitt,fuitt...oh, but... Brian: Aiihhh! Spaceship catching Brian in mid-air: [Sound of Catching] Alien I and II: Gcachi? Alien I: Dzhula grchaba. Siren: [Emergency Sound] Alien I: Airchg! Alien II: Oh. Alien I: Ah. Alien II: Schsh. Alien I: ... Alien II: Oh, prshtc. Gnom nom. Alien I: Mtpshtnm. Spaceship: [Petabladonk] Astonished Man: Oh, you lucky bastard! Prophet I: And the bison shall be huge and black, and the eyes still of red, with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon, shall ride forth on a red-headed serpent, and throughout the land shall be a great rubbing of parts. He and wib... Prophet II: ...the demon shell carry a nine-bladed sword! Nine-bladed! Not two, or five, or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinner-sinners, just like you sir, there! And the horns shall be on the head... Prophet III: ...through Hebediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumours, of things going astray. Ehm...and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are. And nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi...with a sort of rackey work base, that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers, that their fathers put there only just the night before, 'bout eight o'clock. Prophet IV: Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril: "That in that time shall the turds"... Brian: How much? Quick! Vendor: What? Brian: It's for the wife. Vendor: Oh, ehm...twenty shekels. Brian: Right. Vendor: What? Brian: There you are. Vendor: Wait a minute! Brian: What? Vendor: Well, we're...we're supposed to haggle! Brian: No, no, no, I've got to get... Vendor: What do you mean, "No, no, no"? Brian: I haven't got time, I've got... Vendor: Well, give it back, then. Brian: No, no, no, I just paid you! Vendor: Burt! Burt: Yeah? Vendor: This bloke won't haggle! Burt: Won't haggle?! Brian: All right, do we have to? Vendor: Now look: I want twenty for that. Brian: Ehm...I just gave you twenty. Vendor: Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? Brian: No. Vendor: Look at it! Feel the quality, that's not any of you goat! Brian: All right, I'll give you nineteen then. Vendor: No, no, no, come on, do it properly! Brian: What? Vendor: Haggle properly, this isn't worth nineteen! Brian: Well, you just said it was worth twenty! Vendor: Oh dear, oh dear. Come on: haggle! Brian: Uh, all right, I'll give you ten. Vendor: That's more like it! Ten? Are you trying to insult me? Me, with a poor dying grandmother? Ten!? Brian: All right, I'll give you eleven! Vendor: Now you're getting it. Eleven!? Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve, you want to ruin me? Brian: Seventeen? Vendor: No, no, no, no, "seventeen"! Brian: Eighteen? Vendor: No, no, no, you've got to fourteen now. Brian: All right, I'll give you fourteen. Vendor: Fourteen!? Are you joking? Brian: That's what you told me to say! Vendor: Oh, dear... Brian: Oh, tell me what to say, please! Vendor: Offer me fourteen. Brian: I'll give you fourteen. Vendor: He's offering me fourteen for this! Brian: Fifteen! Vendor: Seventeen. My last word, I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. Brian: Sixteen! Vendor: Done! Nice to do business with you. Brian: Mhm. Vendor: Tell you what: I'll throw you in this as well. Brian: I don't want it, but thanks. Vendor: Burt! Burt: Yeah. Brian: All right, all right, all right. Vendor: Now where's the sixteen you owe me? Brian: I just gave you twenty. Vendor: Oh yeah, that's right, that's four I-owe-you, then. Brian: No, that's all right, that's fine, that's fine. Vendor: No, hang on, I've got it here somewhere. Brian: No, it's all right, that's four for the gourd. Vendor: Four? For this gourd? Four!? Look at it! It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel! Brian: You just gave it to me for nothing! Vendor: Yes, but it's worth ten. Brian: All right, all right! Vendor: No, no, no, no, it's not worth ten, you're supposed to argue! "Ten for that, you must be mad!" Oh, well, one born every minute. Loretta: Daniel. Rogers: Job. Reg: Job. Loretta: Job. Rogers: Joshua. Reg: Joshua. Loretta: Joshua. Rogers: Judges. Reg: Judges. Loretta: Judges. Rogers: And Brian. Reg: And Brian. Loretta: And Brian. Reg: I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minites as prevationally martyrs to the cause. Loretta: I second that, Reg. Reg: Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Chimerins! Let us not be down on it! One total catastrophe like this, is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths to unite us all in a... Matthias: Look out! Brian: Hallo! Matthias? Reg? Table: Go away! Brian: Huh? Reg! It's me, Brian! Table: Get off! Get off out of it! Brian: Stan? Large cloth: Piss off! Laundry basket: Yeah, piss off! Map of Pontius Pilate's Palace: Fucker off! Door: 17*[Knock] All revolutionaries except Brian: Oh, shit! Brian: Ahh? Matthias: Coming! Door: 18*[Knock] Prophet III: Yea, verily at that time, which is written in the Book of Obadiah, when a man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey and i... Balcony: [Krak][Krak] Matthias: My eyes are dim, I cannot see... Centurion: Are you Matthias? Matthias: Yes. Centurion: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, the member of the terrorist organisation, the People's Front of Judea. Matthias: Me? No, I'm just a poor old man, I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey, my ears are noud, my eyes are old and bent... Centurion: Quiet! Silly person. Guards, search the house! Guards' feet: 42*[Clamp] Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? Matthias: No. Centurion: Crucifixion! Matthias: Oh. Centurion: Nasty, eh? Matthias: Hm...could be worse. Centurion: What do you mean, "Could be worse"? Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed. Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second! Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Matthias: Well, at least you get you out in the open air. Centurion: You're weird. Guards' feet: 32*[Clamp] Decurion: No, sir, couldn't find anything, sir. Guards' feet: 6*[Clamp] Centurion: But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us, weirdo. Matthias: Bignose! Centurion: Watch it! Matthias: Phew! That was lucky. Brian: I'm sorry, Reg. Reg: Oh, it's all right siblings, he's sorry. He's sorry he lead the fifth legion straight to our official head quarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian. Sit down! Have a scone! Make yourself at home! You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed... Door: 17*[Knock] Balcony: [Crack] Prophet III: ...with a great juicy melon behind... Door: [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock] Matthias: My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes? Centurion: There's one place we didn't look. Guards! Guards' feet: 17*[Clamp] Matthias: I'm just a poor old man, my sight is dim, my eyes are poor, my nose is nackered. Centurion: Have you ever seen anyone crucified? Matthias: Crucifixion's a doddle. Centurion: Don't keep saying that! Guards' feet: 24*[Clamp] Decurion: Found this spoon, sir! Centurion: Well done, sergeant! Decurion's Feet: [Clamp] [Clamp] Centurion: We'll be back...oddball. Door: [Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock][Knock] Centurion: Open up! Matthias: You haven't given us time to hide! Balcony: [Crack] [Crumble] Brian: Aargghhh! Brian's feet against Prophet III's head: [Thump] Prophet III falling into pot: Uhuapps! Uhuuarghh! Pot: [Rumble] Crowd: [Applause] All prophets except Brian: And at that time...all sinners...red serpent...men shall blackburn...fire... Brian: Don't, ehm...pass judgement on other people, or you might get judged yourself. Man in crowd: What? Brian: I said: "Don't pass judgement on other people, or else you might get judged too". Man in crowd: Who, me? Brian: Yes. Man in crowd: Oh, oh, thank you very much. Brian: Well, not just you, all of you! Gourd man: That's a nice gourd. Brian: What? Gourd man: How much do you want for the gourd? Brian: I don't, you can have it. Gourd man: Have it? Brian: Yes. Consider the lilies... Gourd man: Don't you want to haggle? Brian: No. ...in the fields... Gourd man: What's wrong with it, then? Brian: Nothing, take it! Woman in crowd: Consider the lilies? Brian: Oh, well, the birds, then. Man in crowd II: What birds? Brian: Any birds. Man in crowd II: Why? Brian: Well, have they got jobs? Man in crowd III: Who? Brian: The birds. Man in crowd II: Have the birds got jobs?! Man passing by: What's the matter with him? Man in crowd III: He says the birds are scrounging! Brian: Oh, no, no, the point is: the birds, they do all right, don't they? Man passing by: Well, and good luck to them! Man in crowd II: Yeah, they're very pretty. Brian: Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what do you worry about? There you are! See? Man in crowd II: I'm worrying about what you've got against birds. Brian: I haven't got anything against the birds! Consider the lilies... Man in crowd III: He's aiming at going at the flowers now! Man in crowd II: Oh, give the flowers a chance! Gourd man: I'll give you one for it. Brian: It's yours! Gourd man: Two! Brian: Ah...look, there was this man, and he had two servants... Man in crowd III: What were they called? Brian: What? Man in crowd III: What were their names? Brian: I don't know. And he gave them some talents... Man in crowd II: You don't know? Brian: Well, it doesn't matter. Man in crowd II: He doesn't know what they were called! Brian: Oh, well, they were called Simon and Adrian. Now... Man in crowd III: Oh, you said you didn't know! Brian: It really doesn't matter, the point is; there was these two servants... Man in crowd III: Oh, he's making it up as he goes along! Brian: No, I'm not! And he gave them some tale...wait a minute, were there tree? Three serv... Crowd: Oh, oh this is... Man in crowd II: Oh, this is ridiculous! Brian: There were three ser...three servants... Man in crowd II: He's terrible! Crowd: Oh, buuh! Man in crowd III: [Ptui!] Crowd: Aeh! Man in crowd III: Putrey! Woman in crowd: Oh, get off! Brian: Ooh! Roman soldiers: 18*[Clamp] Brian: Ehm...mmbmp oh, now hear this: blessed are they... Gourd man: Three! Brian: ...who can birth their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. Man in crowd II: Rubbish! Brian: And to them only shall be given...to them only...shall...be...given... Woman in crowd: What? Brian: Hm? Woman in crowd: Shall be given what? Brian: Oh, nothing. Woman in crowd: Hey, what were you going to say? Brian: Nothing! All crowd: Yes, you were! Woman in crowd: Yes, you were going to say something! Brian: No, I wasn't, I'd finished! All the crowd: Oh, no, no. Man in crowd III: Ah, come on, tell us before you go! Brian: I wasn't going to say anything, I'd finished! Woman in crowd: Oh, no! Blind man: What won't he tell? Man in crowd III: He won't say. Blind man: It is a secret! Man in crowd II: I know. Blind man: Is it? Man in crowd II: It must be, otherwise he'd tell us. Man in crowd III: Oh, tell us! Blind man's stick as blind man gets pushed aside: [Scramble] Brian: Leave me alone! Man in crowd IV: What is the secret? Woman in crowd II: Is it the secret of eternal life? Man in crowd II: He won't say! Man in crowd III: Well, of course not, if I knew the secret of eternal life I wouldn't say. Would he? Brian: Leave me alone! Woman in crowd II: Just tell me, please! Man in crowd III: No, tell us, Master, we were here first. Man in crowd IV: Rubbish! All crowd: Tell us, Master! Gourd man: Five! Brian: Go away! Gourd man: I can't go above five. Woman in crowd II: Is that his gourd? Gourd man: Yes, his hunger also. Woman in crowd II: Oh! This is his gourd! Gourd man: Ten! Woman in crowd II: It is his gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! ...Master? Man in crowd IV: He's gone! He's been taken up! All the crowd, pointing at the sky: Ooh! He's been taken up! Gourd man, shouting at the sky: Eighteen! Man in crowd III: No, there he is. Crowd: Ooh! Man in crowd V: Look! Crowd: Oh, ooh! Man in crowd III: He has given us a sign! Man in crowd V: He has given us...his shoe! Man in crowd III: The shoe is the sign! Let us follow his example! Man in crowd IV: What? Man in crowd III: Let us like him, hold up one shoe and let the other one be upon our foot, for this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise! Man in crowd III: No, no, no, the shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance! Woman in crowd II: Cast off the shoes! Follow the gourd! Man in crowd V: No, let us gather shoes together! Let me! Woman in crowd: Oh, get off! Man in crowd IV: No, no, it is a sign that like him we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head! Man in crowd V: Give me your shoe! Man in crowd IV: Get off! Woman in crowd II: Follow the gourd, the holy gourd of Jerusalem! Gourdy part of crowd: The gourd! The gourd! Man in crowd VI: Hold up the sandal, like he has demanded us... Man in crowd III: It is a shoe! It is a shoe! Man in crowd VI: It's a sandal! Man in crowd III: No, it is not! It is a shoe! Woman in crowd II: Cast it away! Man in crowd III: Put it on! Man in crowd IV: Now clear off! Man in crowd V: Take the shoes and follow him! Woman in crowd II: All thee who follow the gourdie! Man in crowd VII: Stop! Stop it! Stop! Stop! Let us...let us pray! Yea, he cometh to us. Like the sea to the grave... Crowd: Master! Master! Brian: Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? Eremite: Mmhmmhmmmh. Brian: Please, please, help me! I've got to get... Crowd: Aiih! Quick! Eremite: Oh, my foot! Oh... Brian: Ssch! Eremite: Oh, damned, damned, damned! Brian: I'm sorry! Ssch! Eremite: Oh, damned, damned, and blasted! Brian: I'm sorry! Ssch! Eremite: Don't you hush me! Eighteen years of total silence, and you hush me! Brian: What? Eremite: I've kept my vow for eighteen years; not a single recognisable articulate sound has passed my lips. Brian: Well, I'm sorry, but could you be quiet for just another five minutes? Eremite: Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself! The times in the last eighteen years I wanted to... Brian: Ssch! Eremite: ...shout and sing, and... Brian: Ssch! Eremite: ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Brian: Ssch! Eremite: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila! Hava Nar...mhpfh... Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hallo birds! Hallo trees! I'm alive! I'm ali ...mphgrph... Crowd: [Grumble] Eremite: Stay off! I'm alive! Hava Nagila! Hava Narenden... Crowd: Master! Master! Master! Man in crowd V: The Master! He is here! Crowd: Master! The shoe! Woman in crowd II: It was the gourd, it was the gourd! Oh, Master...oh, Master... Man in crowd III: The shoe has brought us here! Speak...speak to us, Master! Speak to us! Brian: Go away! Crowd: A blessing! A blessing! Man in crowd III: How shall we go away, Master? Brian: Oh, just go away and leave me alone. Man in crowd V: Give us a sign! Man in crowd III: He has given us a sign, he has brought us to this place! Brian: I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! Man in crowd V: Oh, it's still a good sign, by any standard. Man in crowd III: Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you, they are weary and have not eaten. Brian: It's not my fault they haven't eaten! Man in crowd III: There is no food in this high mountain! Brian: Oh, what about the juniper bushes over there? Crowd: Oh! A miracle! A miracle! Man in crowd V: He has made the bush fruitful by his word! Man in crowd IV: They brought forth juniper berries! Brian: Of course they brought forth juniper berries; they're juniper bushes, what do you expect!? Woman in crowd: Show us another miracle! Man in crowd III: Do not tempt him, shallow ones, is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? Eremite: I say, those are my juniper bushes! Man in crowd III: They are a gift from God! Eremite: They're all I've bloody got to eat. Ouf! I say! Get off of those bushes! Come on! Clear off, the lot of you! Hey! Man in crowd VI: Lord, I am affected by a bald patch. Blind man: I'm healed! The Master has healed me! Brian: I didn't touch him! Blind man: I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh! Blind man's body as he falls down the edge of the hole: [Bladonk] Crowd: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! Eremite: I'll have to stop it! I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along! Crowd: A miracle! He is the Messiah! Eremite: Here! He hurt my foot! Crowd: Hurt my foot! Lord! Hurt mine! Hurt mine! Man in crowd III: Hail Messiah! Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Man in crowd III: I say you are, Lord, and I should know; I've followed a few! Crowd: Hail Messiah! Brian: I'm not the Messiah, would you please listen, I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly! Woman in crowd II: Only the true Messiah denies his divinity. Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! Crowd: He is! He is the Messiah! Brian: Now, fuck off! Crowd: [Silence] Man in crowd III: How shall we fuck off, oh Lord? Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! Eremite: You told these people to eat my juniper berries! You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! Brian: Arh, lay off! Man in crowd III: This is the Messiah, the chosen one! Eremite: No, he's not. Brian: Ak! Man in crowd III: An unbeliever! Crowd: An unbeliever! Man in crowd III: Persecute, kill the heretic! Crowd: Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill! Man in crowd III: Kill! Kill! Brian: No, leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Put him down! Please! Judith: Brian? Brian: Judith? Man imitating rooster: Cock-di-diddle-hoo! Crowd: Look! There he is! The chosen one has woken! Window flaps as Brian closes them as fast as he can: [Bladonk] Mother: Brian! Door: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] Mother: Brian! Door: [Knock] [Knock] [Knock] Brian: Ooh! Haai! Mmh! Haa! huh... Mother: Brian! Brian: Ha...hang on, mother! Door: [Crash] Brian: Hallo, mother! Mother: Don't you "Hallo, mother" me! What are all those people doing out there? Brian: Oh, oh, well, I... Mother: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad? Brian: Ehm, I think they must have popped by, or something. Mother: Popped by?! Swolled by, more like. There's a multitude out there! Brian: Mmm...they...they started following me yesterday. Mother: Well, they can stop following you right now! Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! Mother: The who? Crowd: The Messiah! Mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away! Crowd: Brian! Brian! Mother: Right, my lad! What have you been up to? Brian: Nothing, mom. Mother: Come on! Out with it! Brian: Oh, they...they think I'm the Messiah, mum. Mother's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aiih! Mother: What have you been telling them? Brian: Nothing, I only... Mother: You're only making it worse for yourself. Brian: Look, I can explain... Mother's hand: [Slap] Brian: Aih! Judith: Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader! Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs Cohen! They believe he can give them hope, hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! Mother: Who's that!? Brian: Oih! That's...Judith, Mom. Judith...mother. Mother's hand against Brian's cheek: [Slap] Brian: Aih! Mother: Ooohr... Crowd: Brian! Brian! Show us the Messiah! Mother: Now you listen here! He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy! Now go away! Crowd: Who are you? Mother: I'm his mother, that's who! Crowd: Behold his mother! Behold his mother! Praise unto thee, Mother of Brian! Blessed art thou! Hosianna! All things to thee, now and always! Mother: Ah, now don't think you can get around me like that! He's not coming out, and that's my final word! Now, shove off! Crowd: No! Mother: Did you hear what I said? Crowd: Yes! Mother: Oh, I see. Like that, is it? Crowd: Yes! Mother: Oh, oh, all right then, you can see him for one minute, but not one second more! Do you understand? Crowd: Yes... Mother: Promise? Crowd: Well...all right. Mother: All right, here he is then. Come on, Brian, come and talk to them. Brian: But Mom...Judith... Mother: Ah, leave that Welsh tart alone! Brian: I don't really want to, mum... Crowd: [Excstatic Greetings] Brian: Good morning! Crowd: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing! Brian: Oh, please, please, please, listen! I've got one or two things to say. Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them! Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals! Crowd: Yes, we're all individuals! Brian: You're all different! Crowd: Yes, we are all different! Homogenous Man: I'm not. Crowd: [Multiple Silencing Sounds] Brian: You all got to work it out for yourselves! Crowd: Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves! Brian: Exactly! Crowd: Tell us more! Brian: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise...aooh! No! Mother: That's enough! That's enough! Crowd: Ooooh...that wasn't a minute! Mother: Oh, yes, it was! Crowd: Oh, no, it wasn't! Mother: Now stop that, and go away! Indiscrete man: Excuse me? Mother: Yes? Indiscrete man: Are you a virgin? Mother: I beg your pardon? Indiscrete man: Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? Mother: "If it's not a personal question"?! How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off! Crowd: Yes...yeah...much worse. Definitely. Definitely. Ooh! Reg: Morning, saviour! Crowd: [Sounds of Plea] Woman: Lay your hands on me! Quick! Rogers: Now don't jostle The Chosen One! Please! Reg: Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face! He'll touch it later! Baby: Bihuh! Bearded Man: I say, I say, could he just see my wife? She has a headache. Reg: You'll have to wait, I'm afraid! Bearded Man: She's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment! Reg: Look, the lepers are cueing! Bearded Man: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath. Reg: Ehm...Brian, can I introduce you to the gentlemen who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday. Bearded Man: Hallo. Reg: Don't push! Brian closing door: [Bladonk] Reg: Now keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit! Couldn't you? Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Uhm, women taken ins line up against that wall, will you? Judith: Brian, Brian! You were fantastic! Brian: You weren't so bad yourself. Judith: No, what you said just now! Quite extraordinary! Brian: What? Oh, that. Was it? Judith: We don't need any leaders! You're so right! Reg has been dominating us for too long. Brian: Well, yes... Judith: It needed saying, and you said it, Brian! Brian: You're very attractive... Judith: It's our revolution! We can all do it together! Brian: Can we? I think... Judith: We're all behind you, Brian! The revolution is in your hands! Brian: What? No, that's not what I meant at all! Centurion: You're fucking nits, me old beauty! Right! Judith's hands slapping Centurion: [Multiple Slaps] Centurion: Stop it! Soldier kicking Brian's head: [Bladonk] Brian: Aih! Pontius Pilate: Well, Brian, you've given us a good run for ouv money. Brian: A what? Soldier kicking Brian: [Bladonk] Brian: Oah! Pontius Pilate: At this time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard! Do we have any crucifixions today? Guard: 139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir. Pontius Pilate: Right! Now we have 140! Nice vound number, eh, Biggus? Biggus Dickus: Hrmhm. Centurion: Hail Caesar! Pontius Pilate: Hail! Centurion: The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir! Permission to disperse them, please! Pontius Pilate: Disperse them? But I haven't addressed them yet! Centurion: Ah, no, I know, sir, but... Pontius Pilate: My addressing is one of the high-points of Passover! My friend Biggus Dickus has come all the way from Vome just to hear it! Centurion: Hail Caesar! Biggus Dickus: Hail Thaethar! Centurion: You're not...uh, you're not, ehm... thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? Pontius Pilate: Give it a miss!? Centurion: Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. Pontius Pilate: Really, Centurion! I'm surprised you, a man like you, vaffled by a vuffle of vowdy rebels. Centurion: A bit thundery, sir. Pontius Pilate: Take him away! Brian: Ah, no! I'm a Roman! I can prove it, honestly! Pontius Pilate: And crucify him well! Biggus! Centurion: I-I, I really wouldn't, sir! Pontius Pilate: Out of the way, centurion! Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithstance if there ith a thudden crithith! Reg: Right! Now, item four: Attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Ah, Francis, you've been doing some work on this? Rogers: Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next twelve months! Reg: Twelve months? Rogers: Yeah, twelve months. And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one. So we gotta get up of our arses and stop just talking about it! All in PFJ: Yeah! Yeah! Hear! Loretta: I agree! It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now! All in PFJ: Yeah! Yeah! Reg: You're right. We could sit around here all day, talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not to ship one Roman soldier! Francis: So let's just stop gabbing on about it! It's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere! All: Right! Loretta: I agree! This is a complete waste of time! Door: [Sound of Opening] Judith: They've arrested Brian! All: What? What? Judith: They dragged him off! They're gonna crucify him! Reg: Right! This calls for immediate discussion! Judith: What? Sibling: Immediate! Sibling II: Right! Loretta: New motion? Reg: Completely new motion! Uh, that, uh, that there be, uh, immediate action... Francis: ...uh, once the vote has been taken. Reg: Well, obviously once the vote has been taken resolution the oh ---- resolution! Judith: Reg, let's go now, please! Reg: Right, right!In the - in the light of fresh information from sibling Judith... Loretta: Ehm...not so fast, Reg. Judith: Reg, for God's sake! It's perfectly simple! All you've gotta do is to go out of that door now and try to stop the Romans nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand? Oooh! Door: [Sound of Closing] Reg: Yeah, hello. Another little ego trip from the feminists... Rogers: Hrm. Loretta: What? Francis: [Whistle] Reg: Oh, sorry, Loretta. Uh, read that back, would, you? Crucifixion Supervisor: Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner I: Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner II: Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Next! Crucifixion? Wiseguy: Uh, no, freedom. Jailor I: Uhm? Crucifixion Supervisor: What? Wiseguy: Uh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything. so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh, oh, that's jolly good: Well, off you go, then. Wiseguy: No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really. Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh, oh, I see, very good, very good. Well, out of the door... Wiseguy: Yeah, I know the way, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. Crucifixion Supervisor: ...line on the left, yes, thank you. Crucifixion? Prisoner IV: Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Trumpets: [Fanfare] Pontius Pilate: People of Jerusalem! Rome is your fviend! Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Pontius Pilate: To prove our friendship it is customary at this time to release a wrongdoer from our prisons. Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Guard: [Giggle] Pontius Pilate: Whom would you have me release? Man: Release Voger! Jewish Crowd: Yeah! Release Voger! Release Voger! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate: Very well, I shall release Voger! Jewish Crowd: Yeah! Centurion: Sir, uh, we don't have a Roger, sir. Pontius Pilate: What? Centurion: Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir. Pontius Pilate: Ah. We have no Voger! Crowd: Aah... Man: But what about Voderick, then? Jewish Crowd: Yeah! Release Voderick! Release Voderick! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate: Centurion, why do they...titter so? Centurion: Just some, ehm...Jewish joke, sir. Pontius Pilate: Are they...wagging me? Centurion: Oh, no, sir! Guard: [Giggle] Pontius Pilate: Very well, I shall release Voderick! Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Centurion: Sir, we don't have a Roderick either. Pontius Pilate: No Voger, no Voderick? Centurion: Sorry, sir. Pontius Pilate: Who is this Vod...who is this Voderick to whom you refer? Man: He is a vobber! Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Man II: And a vapist! Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Woman: And a pickpocket! Jewish Crowd: No, no! Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notorious criminal. Centurion: We haven't got him, sir. Pontius Pilate: Do we have anyone in our prisons at all? Centurion: Oh, yes, sir! We've got a Samson, sir. Pontius Pilate: Samson? Centurion: Samson the Sagutese Strangler, sir, uh, Silas the Syrian Assassin, uh several subversive scribes from Ceasarea, uh, 67... Biggus Dickus: Let me speak to them, Pontius! Centurion: Oh, no! Pontius Pilate: Uh, good idea, Biggus! Biggus Dickus: Citizens! We have Thamson the Thagutese Thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian Athassin, several subversive scribes from Theatharea... Crucifixion Supervisor: Next! Crucifixion? Prisoner V: Yes. Crucifixion Supervisor: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. Jailor! Brian: Excuse me, there seems to have been some sort of mistake... Crucifixion Supervisor: Just a moment, would you? Jailor! Ehm...how many have come through? Jailor I: What? Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...how many have come through? Jailor I: What? Jailor II: Ehm...You will have to s-speak...s-sp-spea...s-s-s-s-sp-p-p-p-p-speak-speak up a bit sir, ehm...he's-he's-he's-he's- he's-he's-he's-d-d-d-he's d-he's... Crucifixion Supervisor: Ah. Jailor II: No, he's-he's-he's Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack] Jailor II: he's d-deaf and dead. Deaf as a p-p-p-post, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor: Ah. Ehm...eh...How many have come through? Jailor I: Hhh...hihihihihihihihihi... Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh dear. Jailor I: Haheh... Jailor II: I make it ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninetyffff...ninety-six, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? Jailor I: Nnnnnnno, sir! N-no-not with these bo...bastards, sir! Cu-cu-cruuu-c-c-cru-ughugh-c-c-c-crucifixion's too good for 'em, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor: I don't think you could say it's too good for them, it's...it's very nasty! Jailor I: Oh, it's not as nn...nnnn...nnn...no...no...noo...not as nasty as something I just thought of, sir. Crucifixion Supervisor: Yes. Brian: Hm? Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...now...ehm...crucifixion, is it? Brian: Is there someone I could speak to? Crucifixion Supervisor: Well... Jailor I: I know where to get it, if you want it. Crucifixion Supervisor: What?! Jailor II: Ehm...d-don't don't worry about hi-him, sir. Heee's dee...he's dee... Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack] Jailor II: ...he's de...he's de...he's de-de-de... Jailor II:s hand as he smacks himself on the head: [Smack] Jailor II: ...he's deaf and mmmmmmad, sir. Jailor I: Mhrmhrm. Crucifixion Supervisor: Well, how did he get the job? Jailor II: B-bloody Pilate pet, sir! Jailor I: Huhurhm... Wiseguy: Get a move on, Bignose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here! Hahahahahahaha! Brian: Can I get a lawyer or someone? Crucifixion Supervisor: Ehm...d-do you have a lawyer? Brian: No, but I'm a Roman. Wiseguy: How about a retrial? We've got plenty of time. Guard: Shut up, you! Wiseguy: Miserable bloody Romans! No sense of humour. Ouh! Crucifixion Supervisor: I'm sorry, bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left, one cross each. Now... Jewish Crowd: [Immense Laughter] Biggus Dickus: Was it thomething I thaid? Pontius Pilate: Silence! This man commands a cvack legion! Jewish Crowd: Quack! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate: He wags Assyrian Vome! Jewish Crowd: [Laughter] Crucifixion Supervisor: Hrmhrm. Crucifixion party! Morning. Now, we will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the sight down! Keep in a good straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam... Prisoner IV: Oouuh... Crucifixion Supervisor: ...you'll be there in no time. Heh... All right, Centurion! Fat Centurion: Crucifixion party! Wait for it...Crucifixion party! By the left! Forward! Crucifixion Party: [Moan] [Groan] Prisoner, hanging up-side-down in a cell: You lucky bastards! You lucky jabby bastards! Prisoner IV: [Groan] [Moan] Samson: Let me shoulder your burden, brother! Prisoner IV: Oh. Thank you. Samson: Uh...ah...hey! Hey! Fat Centurion: Hey! What do you think you're doing? Samson: Ehm...it's...it's not my cross... Fat Centurion: Shut up and get on with it! Come on! Wiseguy: Hahahahahahahahahaha! He had you there mate, did he? That would teach you a lesson! Hohohohoho! Pontius Pilate: All vight! I will give you one more chance! This time I want to hear no Vuben, no Veginalds, no Vudolf the ved-nosed Veindeers... Biggus Dickus: No Thpenther Trathys! Pontus Pilate: ...or we shall velease no one! Judith: Release Brian! Man in Jewish crowd: Oh, yeah, that's a good one! Another man in Jewish Crowd: Yeah. Jewish Crowd: Velease Bvian! Velease Bvian! [Laughter] Pontius Pilate: Very well! That's it! Centurion: Sir, we...we have got a Brian, sir. Pontius Pilate: What? Centurion: Ehm...you just sent him for crucifixion, sir! Pontius Pilate: Eh...ehm...wait! Wait! We do have a Bvian. Well, go away and free him, straight away! Centurion: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Pontius Pilate: Very well. I shall velease Bvian! Fat Centurion: Get a move on, there! Wiseguy: Or what? Fat Centurion: Or you'll be in trouble! Wiseguy: Oh, dear. You mean I won't have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? Fat Centurion: Shut up! Wiseguy: That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do! Fat Centurion's hand against Wiseguy's shoulder: [Bladonk] Wiseguy: Oh, thank you! Door as it slams against the wall whilst being opened by Centurion: [Bladonk] Centurion: Are they gone? Jailor I: We...we've got lumps of it 'round the ba...ck. Centurion: What? Jailor II: Oh, don't worry about him sir, he's ma...he's mm...he's ma...he-he-he's mm...mm...he's mm...he's mm... Jailor II's foot against the floor: [Stamp] Jailor II: He's mad, sir. Centurion: Have they gone?! Jailor II: Oh, yeah...nnnn...ehm...nn...nna...nnaa... Jailor I: Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh... Jailor II: ...nnaa...nnnnaa...nnna...nnna...nna...nna...nnna...nnnn...nnn...nnnn... Centurion: Oh, come on! Jailor II: Nnnnn...yes, sir. Jailor I: Huhuh...huhuh... Jailor II: Anyway, get on with the story. Jailor I: Well, I never really liked them, so I just... Reg: Right! That's the motion to get on with it past with but one obstention. And I propose that we go without further ado. May I have a second there for...? Rogers: Yes, let's go. Reg: Yeah. All right. Centurion: Go away! Man getting pushed in the face by the Centurion: Ouf! Bloody Romans! Centurion: Watch it! Still a few crosses left! Fat Centurion: Up you go, Bignose! Bignose: Oh, I'll get you for this, you bastard! Fat Centurion: Oh, yeah! Bignose: Oh yeah, don't worry. I never forget a face. Fat Centurion: No! Bignose: I warn you. I'm gonna punch you stone hard, you Roman git! Fat Centurion: Shut up, you Jewish turd! Bignose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan! Bearded Man: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section! Fat Centurion: It doesn't matter! You're all gonna die in a day or two! Bearded Man: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling? Bearded Man's Wife: Oh, rather! Bearded Man: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. Crucified man I: Pharisees separate from Sadduces! Crucified man II: And Swedish separate and Welsh! Crucifixion Party: Yeah, right, yeah! Fat Centurion: All right, all right, all right, we'll soon settle this! 'Ands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here! Crucifixion Party: Ugh! Aah! Fat Centurion: Right! Next! Samson: Ah, look, it's not my cross. Fat Centurion: What? Samson: Ah, it's not my cross, I was ehm...holding it for someone. Fat Centurion: Just lie down, I haven't got all day! Samson: No, of course, ehm, look, I hate to make fuss, but... Fat Centurion: Look... Samson: Eh... Fat Centurion: We've had a busy day, and there's a hundred and forty of you lot together... Bearded Man: Is he Jewish? Fat Centurion: Will you be quiet! Bearded Man: We don't want any more Samaritans around here. Fat Centurion: Belts up! Samson: Ehm...would you let me down if he comes back? Fat Centurion: Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. Next! Brian: You don't have to do this! You don't have to take orders! Fat Centurion: I like orders! Wiseguy: See? Not so bad once you're up. You're being rescued then, are you? Brian: I'ts a bit...late for that now, isn't it? Wiseguy: Oh, no, no, we've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. Brian: Oh? Wiseguy: Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me. If he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Brian: Aah? Wiseguy: Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhuhuh. Hallo. Your family arrived then? Brian: Reg! Reg: Hello, sibling Brian. Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg. Reg: Ehm...yes. Well, I think I should point out first Brian in all fairness that we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read out the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement, ehm...: "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, Officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisternal greetings to you, Brian on this, the occasion of your martyrdom..." Brian: What? Reg: "...your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, house and education, wineculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews, of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J. etcetera." And I'd just like to add on a personal note, my own admiration for what you're doing for us, Brian, and what must be after all for you a very difficult time. Brian: Reg! Wh...what are you going to do? Reg: Good-bye Brian, and thanks. Rogers: All right, Brian. Keep it up, lad. Loretta: Terrific work, Brian. Reg: Yeah. Right. Loretta, Rogers, Revolutionary III and Revolutionary VI: With? Mhm. Reg: And... People's Front of Judea Committee: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us. Loretta: And so say all of... People's Front of Judea Committee: [Applause] Brian: You bastards! You bastards! You vacuous malodorous bastards! Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth? I have an order for his release. Brian: You stupid bastards! Wiseguy: Ehm...I'm Brian of Nazareth. Brian: What? Wiseguy: Yeah, I-I-I'm Brian of Nazareth. Centurion: Take him down! Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth! Crucified man I: I'm Brian! Bignose: I'm Brian! Crucified man II: Look, look, I'm Brian! Brian: I'm Brian! Bearded Man: I'm Brian and so is my wife! Crucifixion party: I'm Brian! Centurion: Right! Take him away and release him! Wiseguy: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian! I was only...believe me, it was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans, can't take a joke. Crucifixion Assistant I: The Judean People's Front! Fat Centurion: The Judean People's Front! Judean People's Front Commander: Forward, all! Crucifixion Assistant II: Look out! The Judean People's Front! Crucifixion Assistant III: The Judean People's Front! Crucifixion Assistant IV: The Judean People's Front! Judean People's Front Commander: We are the Judean People's Front, crack suicide squad. Suicide squad...attack! Judean People's Front committing suicide: Augh! Arrgh... Judean People's Front Commander: That showed them, huh? Brian: You silly sods! Judith: Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian: Judith! Judith: Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you're doing. Thank you, Brian, I'll...I'll never forget you. Mother: So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. Just think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you! Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother, in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is: "Go ahead! Be crucified! See if I care!". I might have known... Brian: But mum! Mother: Not fine thee...said...said... Brian: Mum! Mum! Mother: ...like all young people nowadays, I don't know what the world is coming to... Crucifixion Party: [Silence] Crucified Man III: Cheer up, Brian! You know what they say? Crucified Man III: Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad, other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best: And...always look on the bright side of life, Crucified Man III: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Always look on the light side of life, Crucified Man III: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten, and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, when you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps, just perch your lips and whistle, that's the key. And always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III: Come on! Crucifixioned Man III: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucified Man IV: For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word, you must always face the curtain with a bow, forget about your sin, give the audience a grin, Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: enjoy, it's your last chance anyhow. So, always look on the bright side of death. Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Ah, just before you draw your terminal breath, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, people laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: And always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III: Come on, Brian! Cheer up! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the bright side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III: Worse things happens to see, you know. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucifixioned Man III: I mean, what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing! Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Cheer up, you old bugger! Come on! Give us a grin! There you are! See? The end of the film. Incidentally, this record is available in the forehands. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: Summer's got to live as well, you know? Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: always look on the right side of life, Crucifixion Party: [Whistle] Crucified Man III: They're not gonna make their money back, you know. I told them. I said to them. Bernie, I said they'll never make their money back. Crucified Man III & Crucifixion Party: Always look on the right side of life... Crucifixion Party: [Whistle]

MONTY PYTHON'S LIFE OF BRIAN was written and performed by GRAHAM CHAPMAN JOHN CLEESE TERRY GILLIAM ERIC IDLE TERRY JONES MICHAEL PALIN Music composed by GEOFFREY BURGON Conducted by MARCUS DODS SONGS: "BRIAN" Music by ANDRE JACQUEMIN and DAVID HOWMAN Arranged by Sung by TREVOR JONES SONIA JONES "BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE" Music by ERIC IDLE Arranged by JOHN ALTMAN 2nd Assistant Director 3rd Assistant Director MELVIN LIND MATTHEW BINNS Tunisian Assistant Directors Production Assistants HMIDA BEN AMMAR JENNIE RAGLAN LOTFI THABET NICOLE SOUCHAL SLIM MZALI Camera Grips Focus Loaders FRANK BATT MICHAEL BREWSTER ALAN ANNAND SADOK BEN AMOR HECHIM CHERIF Tunisian Production Department ALI CHERIF AHMED ATTIA TARAK HARBI HABIB CHAARI CLAUDE GUILLENE JAZZI ABDERRAZAK MOULDI KRIDEN Stills Photographer Chief Electrician DAVID APPLEBY ROY RODHOUSE Assistant Sound Engineers DUSHKO INDJIC PHIL CHUBB 1st Assistant Editor 2nd Assistant Director Effects Editor RODNEY GLENN JOHN MISTER TONY ORTON Asst. Dubbing Editors CHRIS WELCH SIMON BAILEY Music Mixers KEITH GRANT ANDRE JACQUEMIN STEVE JAMES Production Accountant Accounts Secretary RON SWINBURNE HAFIDA OURTANI Asst. Accountant Tunisian Accountant HAZEL CHROMBIE RIDHA TURKI Scenic Artist Modeller JOHN SPOTSWOOD KEITH SHORT Construction Crew RICHARD JONES CRAIG HILLIER PETER VERARD ROBERT MASON GRAHAM BULLOCK ALAN SEABROOK ERIC NASH GORDON IZOD MICHAEL MELIA ROY CLARKE DAVID WIGGINS DENNIS HARRISON BUNNY SOUTHALL Electrical Department REG PARSONS BRIAN SMITH LES RODHOUSE DON MATTON CHUCK FINCH KAMEL KARDOUS MOHAMED SAHLI Animation and Model Department TIM CLIVE DENNIS DEGROOT KATE HEPBURN VAL CHARLTON RUPERT ASHMORE ROBERT PRATT TONY ANDREWS MICHAEL BEARD Matte Paintings ABACUS Optical Effects KENT HOUSTON and PAUL WHITBREAD Peerless Camera Co. Ltd. London Business Manager ANNE HENSHAW Executive Producer for Tunisia TARAK BEN AMMAR Shot on location in Tunisia. The Producers would like to thank the Tunisian Authorities for facilitating the shooting of the film. Public Relations HandMade Representative PETER THOMPSON PATRICIA BURGESS Location Assistants SALLIE HAMPTON Producer's Assistant CHRISTINA BIZIOU HILARY SANDISON Art Dept. Secretary Bibliography Assistant PATRICIA CHRISTIAN CHRISTINE MILLER London Contacts SALLY BALL BETTY SWINBURNE CAREY FITZGERALD Processed at RANK FILM LABORATORIES LTD. DENHAM, BUCKS Sound Re-recorded at TREVOR PYKE SOUND LTD. LONDON W.1. DOLBY STEREO Dolby Sound Consultant DAVID WATTS Music Recorded at OLYMPIC SOUND STUDIOS CHAPPELL RECORDING STUDIOS REDWOOD RECORDING STUDIOS Camera Equipment from JOE DUNTON CAMERAS Lighting by LEE ELECTRICS (LIGHTING) LTD. Wigs, beards, etc. by WIGS SPECIALITIES, LONDON KENNETH LINTOTT Costumes from BERMANS & NATHANS, LONDON GPVL, ROME PERLIZZI, ROME Military Uniforms from RANCATL, ROME Shoes from POMPEIL, ROME Location Catering by MEMMO of ROME Additional Location Facilities from ROMA TRASPORTI CINEMATOGRAFICE, ROME Made by HANDMADE FILMS. 26 Cadogan Square, London SW1X C0P, England Copyright PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD. All rights reserved If you have enjoyed this film, why not go and see "La Notte"? Sida: 1 Detta „r Bj”rn Wingman's och Gustaf Sj”bloms version av Monty Python's "Life of Brian." Avskrivningen p†b”rjades v†ren 1993 och avslutades i september 1993. Gustaf Sj”blom & Bj”rn Wingman Productions 1993. Sida: 1 Gaspar: Graham Chapman Melchior: John Cleese Balthasar: Michael Palin Sida: 1 Gaspar - gold Melchior - frankincence Balthasar - myrrh Sida: 4 Female Singer: Sonia Jones Sida: 5 Brian Cohen: Graham Chapman Mother: Terry Jones Bignose: Michael Palin Wiseguy: Eric Idle Spectator II: Terry Gilliam Rogers/Francis Michael Palin Reg: John Cleese Sida: 5 Bergspredikan, Matteus 5:3: Saliga „ro de som „r fattiga i anden, ty dem h”r himmelriket till. Saliga „ro de som s”rja, ty de skola bliva tr”stade. Saliga „ro de saktmodiga, ty de skola besitta jorden. Saliga „ro de som hungra och t”rsta efter r„ttf„rdighet, ty de skola bliva m„ttade. Saliga „ro de barmh„rtiga, ty dem skall vederfaras barmh„rtighet. Saliga „ro de renhj„rtade, ty de skola se gud. Saliga „ro de fridsamma, ty de skola kallas Guds barn. Saliga „ro de som lida f”rf”ljelse f”r r„ttf„rdighets skull, ty dem h”r himmelriket till. Sida: 5 Vad inneb„r "fested"? Sida: 6 Beard and Stone seller: Eric Idle Priest: John Cleese Woman: Eric Idle Woman II: Michael Palin Sida: 6 "Deuteronomy" „r den 5:e Moseboken, inte "Andra Mosebok" som det st†r i den svenska ”vers„ttningen. Sida: 7 Ex-leper: Michael Palin Roman Officer: Graham Chapman Sida: 7 Vad „r fradock? Sida: 8 Speaker's Voice: Michael Palin Stan/Loretta: Eric Idle Sida: 10 Centurion: John Cleese Sida: 12 Jailor I: Terry Gilliam Prisoner: Michael Palin Sida: 13 Pontius Pilate: Michael Palin Sida: 14 Prophet I: Terry Gilliam Prophet II: John Cleese Prophet III: Michael Palin Vendor: Eric Idle Sida: 16 Job, Joshua och Judges „r egentligen namn b”cker i Gamla Testamentet (dvs Torah). Sida: 16 Vaaa? Sida: 17 Man in Crowd: Terry Jones Passerby Man in Crowd II: Michael Palin Christian I Man in Crowd III: John Cleese Christian II Man in Crowd IV: Eric Idle ***** Varf”r inte Devotees, Worshippers, eller t o m Christian Pioneers? ***** Sida: 17 Eller passer-by......? Sida: 19 Eremite: Terry Jones Sida: 20 Indiscrete Man: Eric Idle Sida: 21 Hail to...? Sida: 22 Biggus Dickus: Graham Chapman Sida: 23 Revolutionaries? Sida: 23 Crucifixion Supervisor: Michael Palin Sida: 23 Guard: Eric Idle Sida: 24 Jailor II: Eric Idle Sida: 25 Samson: Terry Jones Sida: 27 Crucifixion Assistant I: Terry Jones Judean People's Front Commander: Eric Idle Sida: 28 Crucified Man III: Eric Idle Sida: 30 Appendix I - De fem Modeb”ckerna / Thorah / Pentateuchos: De fem Moseb”ckerna (Engelska): Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers och Deuteronomy. De fem Moseb”ckerna (Latin): Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numeri och Deuteronomium. De fem Moseb”ckerna (Svenska): "Ursprungsboken", "Utt†gsboken", "Pr„stboken", "Talboken" och "Lagupprepningsboken". Sida: 30 Appendix II - Profeterna (Engelska): Joshua, Judges, 1 &2 Samuel, 1& 2 Kings, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hosea, Joel, Amos. Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah och Malachi. Sida: 30 Hagiographa (Engelska): Psalms, Proverbs, Job, Song of Songs, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, Esther, Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah och 1& 2 Chronicles. Monty Python Life of Brian V


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