The Silly Election
From Monty Python Live at Drury Lane
(Racy music) Cleese (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good
evening and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the
moment and we should be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure
where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been
quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in
my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now let's go straight over
Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the
result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible
candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and
his silly wife.
Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...
Cleese: (Sensible Party)
Idle: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard
Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
Cleese: (Silly Party)
Idle: ...33,108. (applause)
Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly party has held
Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party
won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.
there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell
Palin: I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last election
a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot
of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29.
Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that this is the
first time I've been on television?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just
going straight over to Luton.
Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest
between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim
Bus Stop Poontang Poontang Ole Biscuit-Barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who
is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...
Cleese: (Slightly Silly)
Nought. Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop Poontang Poontang Ole Biscuit-Barrel...
Woman: 12,441. (applause)
Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result
of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Palin: Well this is a very
significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of
people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Cleese: And we've just heard
that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
Idle: Tarquin, are
you pleased with this result?
Tarquin (Palin): Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so.
(Silly noises including a goat bleating).
Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Chapman: Er... no.
Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?
Cleese: No, I'm sorry
there isn't time, we're just about to get another result.
Palin: And this one is from
Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the official
Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and
he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
Jones: Mrs Elsie
Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...
Cleese: Very close!
Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope
Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell)
(blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas
Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes silly
noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the
subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith...
Cleese: (Very Silly)
Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being
Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there
the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong.
You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with
Bong (Neil Innes): Not at all. As I always say: Climb every mountain
Ford every stream, Follow every by-way, Till you find your dream. (Sings) A dream that
will last All the love you can give Every day of your life For as long as you live. All
together now! Climb every mountain Ford every stream...
Cleese: A very brave Kevin
Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill.
Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.
Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there
isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat
has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga
has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important
gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a result, that's
just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A
small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one
called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool
Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of
five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm
Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.
Chapman: Absolute waste
Palin: I wanted to be a gynaecologist...