The Package Tour Complaint
From the third series of Monty Python's Flying Circus
What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted around in buses
surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Coventry in their cloth caps and
their cardigans and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about
the tea - "Oh they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home" - and
stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamares
and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks squirting Timothy White's suncream all over
their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cos they "overdid it on the first day."
And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and Continentales with
their modern international luxury roomettes and draught Red Barrel and swimming pools full
of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids and frightening the
children and barging into queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss
the bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International
Cuisine, and every Thursday night the hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a
tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair
brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
And adenoidal typists from Birmingham with flabby white legs and diarrhoea trying to
pick up hairy bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel and once a week there's an excursion
to the local Roman Remains to buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleeding Watney's Red
Barrel and one evening you visit the so called typical restaurant with local colour and
atmosphere and you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep singing "Torremolinos,
torremolinos" and complaining about the food - "It's so greasy isn't it?" -
and you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an Instamatic camera and
Dr. Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express and he drones on and on about how Mr.
Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and
then he throws up over the Cuba Libres.
And sending tinted postcards of places they don't realise they haven't even visited to
"All at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an 'X'. Food very
greasy but we've found a charming little local place hidden away in the back streets where
they serve Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion crisps and the accordionist plays
'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner'."
And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton airport on a five-day package tour with
nothing to eat but dried BEA-type sandwiches and you can't even get a drink of Watney's
Red Barrel because you're still in England and the bloody bar closes every time you're
thirsty and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the
plastic ash-trays and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane
is still in Iceland and has to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can load you up at
3 a.m. in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac till six because of
"unforeseen difficulties", i.e. the permanent strike of Air Traffic Control in
Paris - and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at 8, and when you get to
Malaga airport everybody's swallowing "enterovioform" and queuing for the
toilets and queuing for the armed customs officers, and queuing for the bloody bus that
isn't there to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been finished.
And when you finally get to the half-built Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol by
paying half your holiday money to a licensed bandit in a taxi you find there's no water in
the pool, there's no water in the taps, there's no water in the bog and there's only a
bleeding lizard in the bidet.
And half the rooms are double booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the
permanent twenty-four-hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door - and you're
plagues by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be hippies, and
middle-class stockbrokers' wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban
development plots just like Esher, in case the Labour government gets in again, and fat
American matrons with sloppy-buttocks and Hawaiian-patterned ski pants looking for any
mulatto male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out.
And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a
case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which
killed half London and decimated Europe - and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy
arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen
who doesn't like Franco.
And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing sunburns, drinking
Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free "cigarillos" and using up their last
pesetas on horrid dolls in Spanish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight
posters with your name on "Ordoney, El Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich" and
3-D pictures of the Pope and Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming
again next year and you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary-eyed
out of a tourist-tight antique Iberian airplane.....