The Spam Sketch
From the second series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
and "Monty Python's Previous Record"
(Spam = Spiced Pork And Ham, a sort of cheap luncheon meat)
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A
man and his wife enter. Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear. Wife (Graham Chapman in
drag): All right. Man (to Waitress): Morning! Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a
rat-bag): Morning! Man: Well, what've you got? Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg
sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam
bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon
spam tomato and spam; Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam... Waitress:
...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam
spam... Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Waitress: ...or Lobster
Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and
aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam. Wife:
Have you got anything without spam? Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam,
that's not got much spam in it. Wife: I don't want ANY spam! Man: Why can't she have egg
bacon spam and sausage? Wife: THAT'S got spam in it! Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as
spam egg sausage and spam, has it? Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next
few lines) Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh! Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam! Vikings: Lovely
spam! Wonderful spam!) Waitress: Shut up! Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Waitress:
Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without
the spam. Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam! Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll
have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam
spam spam and spam! Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off. Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the
baked beans then? Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late
and the Vikings drown her words) Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam.
Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam!
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
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