The Undertaker Sketch
From Monty Python's Contractual Obligations Album
MAN: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's? UNDERTAKER: Yup, that's
right, what can I do for you, squire? M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother
has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do. U: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We
deal with stiffs. M: (aghast) Stiffs? U: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your
mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her. M: Dump her? U: Dump her in the Thames. M:
(still aghast) What? U: Oh, did you like her? M: Yes! U: Oh well, we won't dump her, then.
Well, what do you think: burn her, or bury her? M: Um, well, um, which would you
recommend? U: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames,
crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick.
And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers. M: (timidly) Oh. U: Or,
if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and
weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.
M: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead. U: Where is she?
M: In the sack. U: Let's 'ave a look. (FX: rustle of bag opening) U: Umm, she looks quite
young. M: Yes, she was. U: (over his shoulder) FRED! F: (offstage) Yea! U: I THINK WE'VE
GOT AN EATER! F: (offstage) I'll get the oven on! M: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you...
are you suggesting we should eat my mother? (pause) U: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook
her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his
lips) M: What! (he stammers) (pause) M: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I
can't! U: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we
can dig a grave and you can throw up into it. M: All right.