From Monty Python live at City Center
transcribed from tape 10/3/87 Daniel Rich
Police Officer: 'Ello.
Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.
PO: Mr. Hilton?
PO: You are the sole proprieter and owner of the Wizzo Chocolate Company?
H: I am, yes.
PO: Counstable Clitoris and I are from the hygiene squad, and we would like to have a
word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Wizzo Quality Assortment.
H: Oh yes.
PO: If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the cherry fondue. Now this is
extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
PO: Then we have number four, number four: crunchy frog.
PO: Am I right is thinking there's a real frog in here?
H: Yes a little one.
PO: What sort of frog?
H: A dead frog.
PO: Is it cooked?
PO: A raw frog??
H: Oh we use only the finest baby frogs. Due picked and flown from Iraq. Cleansed in
the finest quality spring water. Lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent swiss quintuple
smooth treble milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
PO: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
H: What else?
PO: Well, don't you even take the bones out?
H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it.
PO: Counstable Clitoris 'et one of those.
Clitoris: Would you excuse me a moment sir?
PO: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real frog in
chocolate. Counstable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl. They're bound to think it's
some sort of mock frog.
H: (outraged) Mock frog?! We use no artificial additives or preservatives of any kind.
PO: Never-the-less, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy
Frog" with the legend "Crunchy Raw Unboned Real Dead Frog" if you want to
H: Well, what about our sales?
PO: Fuck your sales. We've got to protect the public! Now what about this one: number
five, it was number five wasn't it. Number five: Rams Bladder Cup. Now what kind of
confection is that?
H: We use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh cornish rams bladder. Emptied, steamed,
flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit.
PO: Lark's vomit!
PO: In doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit.
H: It does, at the bottom of the label, after monosodium glutamate.
PO: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it would be more appropriate if the box
bore a big red label warning lark's vomit.
H: Our sales would plummet!
PO: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary! Like praline
or lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm led to understand. Or rassberry light. And then
what's this one, what's this one. 'Ere we are. Cockroach cluster. Anthrax ripple. (sound
of vommiting in the background)
Narrator: For those of you listening at home, the young counstable has just thrown up
into his helmet. This is the longest continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John
Barrymore puked over Niotes in the second act Hamlet, in 1941.
PO: And what is this one. Spring suprise.
H: Ah, that's one of our specialalities. Covered in dark velvety chocolate, when you
pop it into your mouth stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge through both cheeks.
PO: Well, where's the pleasure in that? If people pop a nice little chocolate in their
mouths, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced. In any case, it is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
H: It's a fair cop.
PO: And don't talk to the audience...