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Ralph Melish
From Matching Tie & Handkerchief LP

Transcribed from tape 11/16/87 Daniel Rich

Narrator: June the 4th, 1973. It was much like any other summer's day in Petersburg, and Ralph Melish, a file clerk at an insurance company, was on his way to work as usual when....(Dramatic music) nothing happened. Scarcly able to believe his eyes, Ralph Melish looked down. But one glance confirmed his suspicions. Behind a bush on the side of the road, there was no severed arm, no dismembered trunk of a man in his late fifties, no head in a bag, nothing...not a sock. For Ralph Melish, this was not to be the start of any trail of events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither a tangled knot of suspicion nor any web of lies, which would, had he been not uninvolved, surely have led to no other place than the central criminal court of the old baliff. (Sound of gavel banging) But it was not to be. Ralph Melish reached his office in Dallezll Street, Petersburg, at 9:05 am. Exactly the same time as he usually got in.

Secretary: Morning Mr. Melish.

Melish: Morning Enid.

N: Enid, a sharp eyed, clever young girl, who had been with the firm for only 4 weeks, couldn't help noticing the complete absence of tiny but teltale bloodstains on Mr. Melish's clothing. Nor did she notice anything strange in Mr. Melish's behavior that whole morning! Nor the next morning. Nor at any time before or since the entire period she worked with that firm.

M: Have the new paper clips arived Enid?

S: Yes, they're over there Mr. Melish.

N: But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Melish in anything illegal. The full weight of the law would have ensured that Ralph Aldis Mellish would have ended up like all who challenge the fundemental laws of our society: in an iron coffin with spikes on the inside.

Wife: Turn that thing off. You'll be late for the bus. It's nearly half past nine.

Husband: It was indeed nearly half past nine.

W: Now off you go!

H: Off I went on a perfectly ordinary day....(fade out)

W: Oh, I'm so worried about him doctor.

Doctor: Yes. Yes, I know what you mean. I'm afraid he's suffering from what we doctor's call whooping cough. That is, the failure of the autonomic nervous section of the brain to deal with the nerve impulses that enable you and I to retain some facts and eliminate others.

W: Another dog?

D: Not for me thank you.

W: I'll have one last one.

D: (Spoken over barking and yelping) The human brain is like an enormous fish. It's flat and slimy, and has through which it can see. (Gunshot, barking stops).

W: There we are.

D: Should one of these gills fail to open (sound of frying in the background) the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the brain. It's as simple as that.

W: Well, I'm a simple soul, I don't understand all that. All I know is he's not the same man as I married.

D: Am I the man you married Mrs. Egis?

W: No, no. Get away. You'll get struck off

D: Come on, come on.

W: I can't. I'm eating dog.

D: Come on, just a quick examination.

W: No, get off, I'm married.

H: But, Dr. Quatt was a man of quite remarkable medical insight, skill and determination. And within a few minutes, he had completely removed my wife's knickers.

W: Get out you! (door slams) oo, oo, doctor. Oh doctor Quatt.

D: Now, now. Put your tongue in my mouth.

W: No!

D: Oh, come on, come on. I've got your knickers. (Music up and fade....) .



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