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String
From Monty Python's Flying Circus

Adrian Wapcaplet: Aah, come in, come in, Mr....Simpson. Aaah, welcome to Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand, Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver, Vendetta and Prang! Mr. Simpson: Thank you. Wapcaplet: Do sit down--my name's Wapcaplet, Adrian Wapcaplet... Mr. Simpson: how'd'y'do. Wapcaplet: Now, Mr. Simpson... Simpson, Simpson... French, is it? S: No. W: Aah. Now, I understand you want us to advertise your washing powder. S: String. W: String, washing powder, what's the difference. We can sell *anything*. S: Good. Well I have this large quantity of string, a hundred and twenty-two thousand *miles* of it to be exact, which I inherited, and I thought if I advertised it... W: Of course! A national campaign. Useful stuff, string, no trouble there. S: Ah, but there's a snag, you see. Due to bad planning, the hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is in three inch lengths. So it's not very useful. W: Well, that's our selling point! "SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL STRINGETTES!" S: What? W: "THE NOW STRING! READY CUT, EASY TO HANDLE, SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES - JUST THE RIGHT LENGTH!" S: For what? W: "A MILLION HOUSEHOLD USES!" S: Such as? W: Uhmm...Tying up very small parcels, attatching notes to pigeons' legs, uh, destroying household pests... S: Destroying household pests?! How? W: Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can strangle them with it, and if they're smaller than, you flog them to death with it! S: Well *surely*!.... W: "DESTROY NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF KNOWN HOUSEHOLD PESTS WITH PRE-SLICED, RUSTPROOF, EASY-TO-HANDLE, LOW CALORIE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL EMPEROR STRINGETTES, FREE FROM ARTIFICIAL COLORING, AS USED IN HOSPITALS!" S: 'Ospitals!?!?!?!!? W: Have you ever in a Hospital where they didn't have string? S: No, but it's only *string*! W: ONLY STRING?! It's everything! It's...it's waterproof! S: No it isn't! W: All right, it's water resistant then! S: It isn't! W: All right, it's water absorbent! It's...Super Absorbent String! "ABSORB WATER TODAY WITH SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL WATER ABSORB-A-TEX STRINGETTES! AWAY WITH FLOODS!" S: You just said it was waterproof! W: "AWAY WITH THE DULL DRUDGERY OF WORKADAY TIDAL WAVES! USE SIMPSON'S INDIVIDUAL FLOOD PREVENTERS!" S: You're mad! W: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Sex, sex sex, must get sex into it. Wait, I see a television commercial- There's this nude woman in a bath holding a bit of your string. That's great, great, but we need a doctor, got to have a medical opinion. There's a nude woman in a bath with a doctor--that's too sexy. Put an archbishop there watching them, that'll take the curse off it. Now, we need children and animals. There's two kids admiring the string, and a dog admiring the archbishop who's blessing the string. Uhh...international flavor's missing...make the archbishop Greek Orthodox....

 

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