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One of our crack reporters investigating a murder at one of the wealthiest mansions in town.
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A reader from drought-stricken southern California writes in to complain that she was forced to hire a gardener to the prune real grass which has popped up through a tear in her yard’s artificial turf.
Apr. 16, 2024
Its being reported Donald Trump was heard loudly ranting in the courthouse hallway on the first day of his Stormy Daniels hush money trial, complaining that Manhattan Judge Juan Merchan’s order insisting he must be present every day of his trial proceedings – will mean he will not be able to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation. Trump then went on and on about how much he had looked forward to being at Barron’s graduation.
Huh? You’re saying the guy who ordered immigrant kids separated from their parents at the border said what? The guy who was banging a porn star while his wife was home with their newborn baby “Barron,” said what? The guy who actually stole money from a children’s cancer charity that he ran – is whining about what? Of course, the truth is Trump is just blowing smoke up everyone’s asses here. That’s because the judge hasn’t even ruled as yet on whether or not Trump may attend Barron’s graduation.
Now, in his defense, I suppose Trump could always make the argument that he’s being treated differently than everyone else, which is true. Of course, the primary reason that is true is that most parents were able to attend their children’s graduations because they hadn’t committed crimes and were, therefore, not on trial. Besides all that, is there any real evidence that Barron even wants him there? The thing is, if Barron is graduating, that also implies he must know how to read, which means there’s a fairly decent chance Barron knows the reason why his old pappy has to be in court to begin with.
I mean, it isn’t exactly like Donald Trump was ever considered a candidate for “Father of the Year.” It isn’t like he and Barron spent countless nights together at the kitchen table burning the midnight oil, pouring over Barron’s homework. Hell, cheer up, Donald! You’ll get used to missing things. In fact, once you’re incarcerated, you’re gonna miss a hell of a lot of things. Even so, all isn’t lost. Why should that mean Judge Merchan eventually rules that you can’t miss court to attend Barron’s graduation? You can always reach across the aisle and ask Joe and Jill Biden to attend Barron’s graduation for you. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to do a person like you a big favor. Problem solved!
Facing Multiple Felonies-Boebert’s Son Tells Judge Lawyers Too Expensive
Apr. 11, 2024
Apr. 11, 2024
Westwood News reports that Tyler Boebert, the 19-year-old oldest son of Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, appeared without any family present before a judge in Garfield County courtroom on Thursday saying he is having difficulty retaining counsel because he can’t afford their rates. Boebert and a number of underage accomplices face fourteen counts, including felony identity theft for a series of car break-ins and robberies in the town of Rifle, including stealing the last $75 from a woman with a brain tumor who said that $75 was “all she had left to her name.”
Well, geez whiz, it appears the Boebert family is making the Sarah Palin clan look like rank amateurs on the “Wackadoodle Scale.” No wonder Congresswoman Boebert is able to so accurately pinpoint “what’s so wrong with America.” Why, she uses her own family as an example. Ironically, Tyler’s father Jayson Boebert, will also be appearing in a courtroom soon to answer to charges over an altercation he was in. Too bad its not the same courtroom! Hell, they could have carpooled together and saved gas. Of course, while all this is going on, Tyler’s Republican mom, Lauren, has been busy running political ads portraying her as “mother of the year.” Well, at least she’s got the “mother” part right, anyway.
So, now Tyler claims he can’t afford to pay a lawyer? Now, not to be overly critical, but it seems you really have to be just blowing through all your cash if you can’t afford a lawyer in a place like Rifle, Colorado. Hell, why not just hire one and then simply not pay them? That seems to work really well for Trump. Either that, or you could sue the judge and talk shit about his daughter on “X.” I hear that works really well, also. That said, I wonder why he hasn’t bothered to hit up those new RNC bosses for some cash. They always seem more than happy to shell out for attorney’s fees in criminal cases.
Anyway, now Tyler stands accused of multiple felonies and stealing the last $75 from a woman with a brain tumor. Now, if that doesn’t make his mom and all those Social Darwinist MAGA half-wits proud, I don’t know what will! Its survival of the fittest, baby! Of course, it goes without saying that the Libtards are gonna be all up in arms about this. Why, I can hear all their bleeding hearts crying about how what he did “just wasn’t very nice!” Okay, it wasn’t nice, but come on! Give poor Tyler a break! After all, its not like he stole donations from a “bogus children’s cancer charity” he was running or something. Besides, I hear they let you do that kind of thing when you’re famous.
Republican House Seeks to Rename Dulles Airport After Trump
Apr. 03, 2024
Apr. 03, 2024
House Republicans have introduced new legislation to rename Washington Dulles International Airport after former president Donald J. Trump. In a statement, Republicans declared, “As millions of domestic and international travelers fly through the airport, there is no better symbol of freedom, prosperity and strength than hearing ‘Welcome to Trump International Airport’ as they land on American soil.”
Wow, rename such an Important airport like Dulles International after Trump? What for? Is it going bankrupt? Well, I guess that one way to ensure every flight is gonna be late. Now, not to be critical, but I could perhaps understand naming a sewage treatment facility after Trump, but an airport – not so much. Hey, now that I think of it, the idea of a “Donald J. Trump Sewage Treatment Facility” – really does have a certain “stench” to it.
Anyway, one thing’s for sure, this move is gonna be really controversial. The truth is, I’m sure most Americans would be perfectly fine with allowing Trump’s face to be placed on, say – a three-dollar bill, or perhaps renaming San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge the “Trump Golden Shower Bridge,” or even having Trump’s name inscribed on every interstate highway’s rest stop restroom wall – but not airports.
Besides, and mark my words, if Republicans are successful in renaming this after their “Orange God,” expect him to demand royalties for use of his name. And the first order of business? Why, more direct flights to Moscow – of course. Now, some may ask, why do this? Well, I guess Republicans must figure you have to start out small by renaming an airport, before moving on to eventually renaming the entire country. Gee, “Trumpistan” does actually have a bit of a ring to it, doesn’t it?
That said, I still can’t help but thinking, “Could this possibly be some sort of late April Fools prank?” Then it occurs to me, wasn’t Dulles International one of the airports Trump once told a Fourth of July audience was seized from the British by the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War? I mean, talk about a unique perspective on our war for independence! One thing’s for sure, you’re never gonna learn anything like that in the history books. That is, unless Republicans grab control of our school boards.
Trump Now Hawking $60 Bibles on Truth Social
Mar. 26, 2024
Mar. 26, 2024
Former president Donald Trump, who has recently been comparing himself to Jesus Christ at his rallies, is now hawking Bibles he is selling for $60 each. Trump’s Bible also includes a copy of a handwritten chorus to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA,” as well as copies of the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance.
So, Trump’s now selling both gold sneakers and Bibles? Gee whiz, it sounds like Mr. Trump has gone full-on “Paper Moon” about this. I assume this Bible will be known as the “King Don” version. If so, I suppose that would mean it will be printed “upside down.” Trump seems to have a preference for that in his Bibles. I mean, it isn’t like he or any of his MAGA sycophants will actually read it, so I guess it really doesn’t matter which direction the printing goes.
Of course, a more likely scenario is Trump probably figured, “Why pay to have Bibles printed,” and just had a bunch of his goons steal Gideon Bibles out of the drawers of motel room nightstands. Then, they just stuff a few cheaply printed copies of US documents inside and send them on their way to the MAGAs. Of course, the poor half-witted MAGAs probably believe these Bibles will help them to “pray,” when what they actually will do is help Trump to “prey” – on them.
You know, its funny, but when I was just a kid, my mom bought a Bible for me. That said, I don’t seem to remember ever reading any passages in the scriptures about, “And the Lord told Donald Trump, ‘Now, get out there and sell some Bibles for me, dude!’ Let’s Make America Pray Again.” Now, while I haven’t actually seen the Trump Bible, rumor has it the “first commandment” in the Trump Bible reads, “Thou shalt commit Adultery” followed by “Money changers in the Temple are now perfectly fine.”
Ironically, his “Truth Social ad tells buyers, “Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery.” I guess that’s because they’re shipping them all the way from “the year 1957.” Now, the question is, will a “Trump on a Cross” Christmas ornament be next? Hell, if he needs to be strung up on a cross to pose for it, let me know. My next-door neighbor has a nail gun. Meanwhile, MAGAs simply can’t wait to get their hands on the new “Trump Bible.” Seems the long-awaited sequel to “Mein Kampf” has finally arrived.
Sen. Katie Britt Blames Biden for a Rape 20 Years Ago in Mexico
Mar. 10, 2024
Mar. 10, 2024
During what many are calling an absolutely insane rebuttal to President Biden’s “State of the Union” address, Sen. Katie Boyd Britt (R-Ala.), walked onto a studio sound stage (set up like an upper-middle-class kitchen) and began to link a harrowing account of a young woman’s sex trafficking and rape by a Mexican drug cartel, to Joe Biden’s immigration policies of the 2020s. She did this even though the abuse happened nearly 20 years ago and in Mexico – and at a time when Republican George W. Bush was president, not Joe Biden. The girl about whom Sen. Britt spoke – was thrown out of her house by her mother at age 12 and eventually “fell prey to a professional pimp.” There is no evidence that she was ever held by a drug cartel, as Katie claimed. In addition, the young victim testified that most of her clients for prostitution were foreigners visiting Mexico to have sex with underage girls.
Okay, so now let me get this straight. A young Mexican female was thrown into prostitution and repeatedly raped in Mexico 20 years ago. She now lives here in the US where she feels safe and is no longer being victimized – and this is why we need to support Donald Trump’s immigration policies, a guy who would – without even a second thought – have her deported right back to Mexico. On top of that, we also need to place the blame for what happened directly on Joe Biden, even though Biden didn’t take office until late January 2021. Sure, all that makes sense, especially if you happen to have an untreated head injury.
So, then Republicans decide to have this crazy person do a SOTU rebuttal from a fake kitchen on a studio sound stage? I mean, just when you think things couldn’t get much more insane in the MAGA world – along comes Katie. Let’s hope they kept her far away from all those kitchen knives! Wonder if her Republican handlers, who thought it was a good idea to place her in a kitchen, also insisted she be barefoot? Anyway, gotta hand it to those MAGA cultists for finding a way to blame Joe Biden for a rape that took place in another country back in 2004. What’s next? Linking Joe Biden to Anne Frank?
Funny how Christian Nationalists like Katie Britt, who always seem to be so concerned about everyone else’s sins, seem to forget to mention that “lying is also a sin!” For example, had George Washington been a MAGA Republican, I’m pretty certain his 6-year-old self would have said, “Father, I cannot tell a lie – Biden cut down that friggin’ cherry tree.” You see, lying comes to MAGAs just as easily as breathing. In fact, that’s about the only time one can be fully certain MAGAs aren’t lying – when they’re not breathing. You know, like what happened when so many of the MAGAs refused to get COVID vaccines because the folks over at Fox News told them COVID was a hoax.
Anyway, so Sen. Katie Britt – without any hesitation whatsoever – goes in front of the camera and implies that “God inspired her to come forward and tell this story.” Gee, no kidding, senator? So, I guess God must have also told you to “lie like a friggin’ rug.” That said, I do have to give her credit, though. In just one simple video, she was able to tell so many big lies, that even George Santos started feeling a little envious.
Of course, Sen. Britt says she’s against sexual predators, but what about her cult leader, Donald Trump? He’s a convicted sexual predator. I guess with folks like Katie, its kind of like, “OK, Donald Trump may be a sexual predator, but he’s OUR sexual predator!” Hey Katie, I have an interesting question for you as a devout Christian Nationalist. If you had a daughter, and if those cartels you lied about “raped and impregnated your daughter,” would you still be “okay about it” if Alabama imprisoned your daughter for terminating her pregnancy?
Lauren Boebert’s 18-Year-Old Son Arrested on Multiple Felony Charges
Mar. 01, 2024
Mar. 01, 2024
Congresswoman Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler, along with his underage cohorts, have been arrested in Rifle, Colorado. Tyler has been charged with 22 criminal counts, including five felonies, following a crime spree that included stealing $75 cash from a woman with a brain tumor, which she said was the only money she had “left to her name,” as well as stealing credit and debit cards from cars parked at various locations around Rifle. Ironically, he committed these crimes while wearing a “Shooters Grill” hoodie from his mother’s old restaurant. In addition, he also is alleged to have made a sex tape with a female minor and at least one other male who is/was also a minor.
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Gee, who could’ve seen that coming when you have a mother who’s a high school dropout, a grifter, a Christian Nationalist-turned-congresswoman with multiple arrests herself – who married a guy who was convicted of exposing himself to her and her underage friends at a bowling alley? A good Christian family that sends out Christmas cards each year featuring her and her now ex-husband, along with their four children, all armed to the teeth with lethal assault weapons. That’s certainly an interesting take she has on the Christmas slogan “Peace on Earth.”
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Anyway, before we jump to any conclusions, its important to remember that you can’t always blame the parents for the way a child turns out. After all, some parents can do everything perfectly right, and yet their kids can still turn out to be hardened criminals, or conservative Republicans – and sometimes – even both.
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Besides, Tyler’s father, Jayson Boebert, who bailed Tyler out, says he knows exactly why his son has turned to crime. He blames it all on mismanagement of the COVID shutdown and the mainstream media. And I get where he’s coming from on that. Hell, I once got a COVID vaccination and then went home and watched about half of an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” and suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to go out and stick up a convenience store.
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Of course, I do have to give the Boebert’s credit for one thing. At least they didn’t try to blame their son’s criminal behavior on illegal aliens crossing the border and taking dishwashing jobs down in San Diego, or women from Red States trying to sneak across state lines to get abortions, or Antifa, or Black Lives Matter, or Hunter Biden’s laptop, or the dismantling of confederate statues, or drag queens and the “Gay Agenda.” At least not yet; they haven’t.
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That said, and all joking aside, I do realize this poor kid really didn’t have much of a chance to have a normal life growing up with these sick bastards for parents, and I sincerely hope he’s able to get some serious counseling while he’s incarcerated. That certainly doesn’t excuse what he did, but at least it might offer some small semblance of hope that when he gets out, he doesn’t become even more of a threat to society and to himself. Meanwhile, I will try and reconcile the fact that a monster like her still has three more sons who are still under her influence.