Best short quotes

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

I dont like letting my freinds drive drunk, but i was smokin' a joint i really couldn't say shit to the guy.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

[about trampolines] I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.