 by Warwick Evans
- Director:
- (to stage) Thank-you! Thank-you. We have your
number. (aside) You
know, I'm beginning to think we're never going to find anybody who can do a good Ralph
Pixton impersonation.
- Assistant:
- Well, there are still several more to go.
- Director:
- (aside) I somehow don't think we're going to find
anyone out of that bunch. However. (to stage) all
right. Next please. And remember, you're supposed to sound like Ralph Pixton.
- Ultra-colonialist old buffer:
- The forecast for today: Light to moderate south-westerly winds. It will be fine, sunny
and hot during the day, with a maximum temperature of around thirty degrees. And the
outlook for the weekend. Sunny and dry with light winds.
- Director:
- (to stage) Stop. Stop. Thank you. We'll be in
touch (aside) sometime never. A complete waste of
space.
- Assistant:
- Not much like Ralph then?
- Director:
- (aside) Oh come on.
Nothing like him.
- Assistant:
- Well, there are still a couple more to go.
- Director:
- (aside) Oh God, are there. (to
stage) all right. The gentleman in the safari suit. Yes, you sir. Now
remember, you're supposed to be Ralph Pixton. Think Ralph! Okay? (aside)
Where do these people come from? (to stage)
Well. Come on then! (aside) Dear God, this is like a
living hell.
- Ralph Pixton:
- The forecast for today: It will be fine, sunny and hot during the day, with a maximum
temperature of around thirty degrees. There'll be light to moderate south-westerly winds.
And the outlook for the weekend. Sunny and dry.
- Director:
- (to stage) Stop!
Stop! (aside) In the name of God, please stop. (to stage) Very good. Thank you. We'll keep you in mind. (aside) Oh God, that's the worst so far. It's nothing like
him. We shall have to run another string of ads, and that means more auditions and more of
these smug ego-tripping farts who think they're God's gift. And they're all totally
useless.
- Assistant:
- Okay. There's just one more to go, and then that's it.
- Director:
- (aside) Thank God for
that. (to stage) Well come on! Yes, you! We're all
waiting. (aside) Just look at that silly white cap?
And those glasses. They look more like goggles. Where does he think he is? Talk about
weird ... (to stage) all right Mr. ... whoever you
are. Let's be hearing you!
- Ray Cordeiro:
- The forecast for today: Light to moderate south-westerly winds. It will be fine, sunny
and hot during the day, with a maximum temperature of around thirty degrees. And the
outlook for the weekend. Sunny and dry with light winds.
- Director:
- (to stage) Stop! Stop!
(aside) That's it, he's absolutely perfect.
- Assistant:
- Sounds just like the real Pixton.
- Director:
- (aside) Exactly. (to stage) all right Mr. ...
thingy with the white cap on. You've got the job.
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