by Vaughan Savidge
Diane opened one eye. She tried unsuccessfully to use it to look for the other one.
What on earth was wrong with the left one? Maybe the mascara had congealed! Finally, with
what she could have sworn was the same noise she remembered hearing when the movers opened
the tea chests on her French-polished parquet floors on the Peak - it creaked and scraped
opened, allowing a shard of light to stab it so brutally she closed it again, swearing
never to open either of them ever again.
"I think I might have a hangover" she thought unusually quietly to herself.
She generally had to shout to gain her own attention.
"Where am I?"
As is widely known, it is better in this condition to ask questions, rather than to
attempt to answer them. Diane was, however, sadly lacking in general knowledge.
"I seem to remember Ted ordering a jeroboam of baby oil and some strong twine
shortly before I blacked out."
"Oh .. my .. God!"
It hadn't exactly come flooding back - it was more of a trickle, the sort of trickle
you might attribute to the man who strained the tea in the Peninsula Lobby.
"Oh .. my .. God!" She was in Russia. St. Petersburg. The Ball. Her husband
turning in early. That strange man Mikhail with the strawberry splodge on his head. The
vodka on his breath. His hand on her chain link dress. His leer as he said "Time to
raise the iron curtain".
She shivered and tried to pull the bedclothes over her head. But they were strangely
hairy. She forced her eyes open, and screamed as she saw the enormous Sable coat.
At that moment, Ted appeared from the bathroom. He was completely naked except for a
pair of silk pajamas and a psychedelic boater.
"What happened last night Ted?" Diane spluttered. She may as well know the
worst.
"Nothing luvvy. I saved you from the attentions of a Russky brute".
"But the twine. The baby oil" she said softly, pulling the sable about her.
"Had to tie the bugger up, and the Astoria had run out of vodka. We had to drink
something."
Diane stared blankly at Ted as he picked up the 'phone to dial room service. He had
saved her from being ravished by a huge Russian drunk. A disgusting deviant who would have
done God knows what to her.
"You bastard, Ted!" she shrieked.
