The Australian Table Wines sketch
From Monty Python
A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a pity, as
many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palette, but also to the
cognoscenti of Great Britain. "Black Stump Bordeaux" is rightly praised as a
peppermint flavoured Burgundy, whilst a good "Sydney Syrup" can rank with any of
the world's best sugary wines. "Chateau Bleu", too, has won many prizes; not
least for its taste, and its lingering afterburn. "Old Smokey, 1968" has been
compared favourably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Australian wino society thouroughly
recommends a 1970 "Coq du Rod Laver", which, believe me, has a kick on it like a
mule: 8 bottles of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney Bridge
Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour. Of the sparkling
wines, the most famous is "Perth Pink". This is a bottle with a message in, and
the message is BEWARE!. This is not a wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down
and avoiding. Another good fighting wine is "Melbourne Old-and-Yellow", which is
particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat. Quite the reverse is
true of "Chateau Chunder", which is an Appelachian controle, specially grown for
those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.
Real emetic fans will also go for a "Hobart Muddy", and a prize winning
"Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga", which has a bouquet like
an aborigine's armpit.
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