The Barber Shop Sketch
From Monty Python's Flying Circus and "And Now for Something Completely
Customer: Hello, is this the Barbershop Sketch?
Barber: Y-y-yes sir. B-b-b-be with you in a minute. (The barber is now washing and
re-washing his hands, trying to remove the obvious blood-stains from them and his coat.)
Barber: H-h-how would you like it sir?
Customer: Just short back and sides.
Barber: How do you do that?
Customer: Oh, you know, just short back and sides.
Barber: It's not a... a razor cut, RAZOR CUT BLOOD ARTERY MURDER SPUrt.. arr...
Customer: No, just ordinary short back and sides, you know...
Barber: It's just s-s-s-scissors then...
Barber: You wouldn't rather forget all about it?
Barber: You wouldn't prefer to have it just combed?
Customer: Oh, no.. I want something cut off!
Barber: Cut, CUT HEART HITCHCOCK MURDER BLOOD PSYCHO HOMICIDE SPURT ARTERY TREMOR
CORTEX Arrrgg...! (The barber fakes a few quick snips.)
Barber: There, finished.
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Barber: I've finished cutting, cutting, CUTTING, CUTTING YOUR HAIR!
Customer: Well, you haven't even done any cutting yet.
Barber: All right, I confess I didn't cut your hair. I hate hair. I-I I can't bear
cutting it. I have this uncontrolable fear whenever I see hair. My mother said I was a
fool! She said the only way to overcome my fear would be to become a barber. I didn't want
to be a barber. I wanted to be... A *LUMBERJACK*! (music up)