The tale of the Piranha Brothers
From episode 1 of series 2 of Monty Python's Flying Circus
and "Another Monty Python Record"
Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and
Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were
sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined the rise to power
of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent
tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q
Division. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling
Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a
scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic.
In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in
February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who
remembers them well was their next door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel. "Oh yes Kipling
Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of each other's houses with
each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was keen
on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was
very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea.
Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they
didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism." At the age of
fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in
Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called up but were found by an Army
Board to be too unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity to use their
talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called 'The
Operation'... They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the
so-called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the
called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened
not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other
Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat
him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the turning point. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now
formed a gang, which the called 'The Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs,
billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they
were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, Q
Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour supplements. One
small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.
"Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in
the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in
nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the
back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there
in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film
producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of
whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me
nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not
Clement and then... he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor." Another man
who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy. Rogers: I've been told Dinsdale
Piranha nailed your head to the floor. Stig: No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used
to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me. Rogers: But the police
have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor. Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he
did that. Rogers: Why? Stig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he
could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law. Rogers: What had you done? Stig:
Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and
that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the
floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.
Rogers: And you don't bear him a grudge? Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.
Rogers: I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table. Isn't that true
Mrs O' Tracy? Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stig: Well he did do
that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair. Vince Snetterton-Lewis agreed with this
judgement. Yes, definitely he was fair. After he nailed me head to the table, I used to go
round every Sunday lunchtime to his flat and apologise, and then we'd shake hands and he'd
nail me head to the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday I told him my parents
were coming round to tea and would he mind very much not nailing my head that week and he
agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand." Clearly Dinsdale inspired
tremendous fear among his business associates. But what was he really like? Gloria Pules
knew him intimately. "I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a
charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities,
celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang leaders, who he had
met through his work for charities. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors'
Homes, Choristers' Associations and the Grenadier Guards. "Mind you there was nothing
unusual about him. I should say not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that he was being
watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Spiny Norman'. Normally Spiny Norman
was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was depressed
Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale
would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and his teeth would
move about and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin."
Rogers: "Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs
together?" Gloria: "Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. He was a
gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator." But
what do the criminologists think? We asked The Amazing Kargol and Janet: "It is easy
for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply
dream of doing... I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only an
extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bugger."
Most of the strange tales concern Dinsdale, but what about Doug? One man who met him was
Luigi Vercotti. "I had been running a successful escort agency -- high class, no
really, high class girls -- we didn't have any of *that* -- that was right out. So I
decided to open a high class night club for the gentry at Biggleswade with International
cuisine and cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts --
that was right out, I deny that completely --, and one evening in walks Dinsdale with a
couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile. They said I had
bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it? They wanted three quarters of a
million pounds. I thought about it and decided not to go to the Police as I had noticed
that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area. So a week
later they called again and told me the cheque had bounced and said... I had to see...
Doug. Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull
their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug. He used...
sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes
and... satire. He was vicious." In this way, by a combination of violence and
sarcasm, the Piranha brothers by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of
England. It was in February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake. Latterly Dinsdale
had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that
Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport. And so on Feb 22nd 1966, Dinsdale
blew up Luton. Even the police began to sit up and take notice. The Piranhas realised they
had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. But it was too late.
Harry 'Snapper' Organs was on the trail. "I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some
form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years
with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises.
I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back
to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in
London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester from _King
Lear_. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning
through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in _Toad of Toad Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my
triumph as Sancho Panza in _Man of la Mancha_ which the "Bristol Evening Post"
described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the "Bath
Chronicle" was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote:
'as for the performance of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho
Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his
abusive ad-libs.' The "Western Daily News" said: 'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs)
spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and
persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'" Against this kind of
opposition for the Piranha Brothers the end was inevitable. THE END
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