Blackmail!!!!!
From Monty Python's Flying Circus and Monty Python At City Center.
Transcribed by Malcolm Dickinson, from tape on
4/3/86.
(Music up-- wild applause and cheers from the audience)
Announcer: Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you,thank you. Hello good evening and welcome, to
BLACKMAIL! Yes, it's another edition of the game in which you can play with *yourself*.
(applause)
And to start tonight's show, let's see our first contestant, all the way from
Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!
(applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks)
'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you're looking in
tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN
BOULTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband
Trevor, and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of
your LOVER IN BOULTON!
(applause; organ music)
Thank you Onan! And now: a letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of
photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal
proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative
M.P., so that's 3,000 pounds please Mr. S... thank you... to stop us from revealing: Your
name The name of the three other people involved, The youth organization to which they
belonged, and The shop where you bought the equipment!
(organ music)
But right now, yes everyone is the moment you've all been waiting for; it's time for
our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules are very simple. We have taken a film
which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's
career. (gasp) But, the victim may 'phone me at any moment, and stop the film. But
remember the money increases as the film goes on, so,.... the longer you leave it, the
more you have to pay! Tonight, Stop the Film visits the little Thames-side village of
Thames Ditton.
(music--announcer's voice over)
Well, here we go, here we go now, let's see...where's our man. Oh yes, there he is
behind the tree now.... Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun.... He looks respectable,
so we should be in for some real...real shucks here.... A member of the government, could
be a brain surgeon, they're the worst.... wHOW! Look at the *size* of that.....briefcase.
Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the doorbell now.... O-oh, who's the little
number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh-heh. Doesn't look like his mother....could
be his sister.... If it is he's in real trouble.... And just look at that, they're
upstairs already... whoah, boy, this is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight.
Who-ho-ho!! This is no Tupperware party! Very brave man, they don't usually get this
far... What's--what's that, what's she's doing to his.....is that a CHICKEN up there? No,
no, it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit... Whoah, ho ho...
('Phone rings; buzzer goes off. Applause)
(picking up 'phone) Hello sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that
was...what? No, no, sir, it's alright, we don't morally censor, we just want the money.
Thank you sir, yes,....what? You...okay....Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice
indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye bye.
Well, that's all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same time, same
channel....Join me, two dogs, and a vicar, when we'll be playing "Pedorasto",
the game for all the family. Thank you, thank you, thank you.... .
