A Pet Shop Somewhere Near Melton Mowbray

From: Monty Python's Flying Circus

Edited By: Adam Fogg 

Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.

Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the counter]

Man: no, I want a cat really.

Shopkeeper: [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that?

Man: [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.

Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.

Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.

Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.

Man: Its not a proper cat.

Shopkeeper: What do you mean?

Man: Well it wouldn't miaow.

Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.

Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?

Shopkeeper: No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem. Lovely parrot.

Man: How long would that take?

Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling] Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?

Harry: [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out.

Shopkeeper: Friday?

Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.

Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...

Man: You'd need a very big tank.

Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.

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