The Taxi Driver

Copyright©1993 Evans and Savidge

By Andy Chworowsky

 

(sound inside cab)

Driver:

Lei hoei been doh ah?

 

Man:

Good evening to you, my good fellow. Yes. Splendid. Ah, could you take me to Causeway Bay?

 

Driver:

Lei gong mut-yeh ah!? Gweilo?

 

Man:

Well, I, I, I, I want to go to Tung Lo Wan. Yes, that's it. Tung Lo Wan m'gwaah ni, dixi. Hwaah, hwaah. And fei di m'gwaah.

 

Driver:

(Heavy Cantonese 14K sighing, mumbling, etc., followed by very loud yawn)

 

Man:

Ah...... Causeway Bay? No? No good? You not like go Tung Lo Wan?

 

Driver:

Aiy yah!

 

Man:

Well, Causeway Bay doesn't fit in with your plans then.

 

Driver:

You to shut your mowfoo, you great big fat white pig.

 

Man:

Ah ha! You don't think I understand your local customs. But I do. This is just your way of greeting foreigners in an informal way, isn't it?

 

Driver:

(Hawks and spits)

 

Man:

Ah. Now that would be? ... Wait a minute, I read it in Clavell. Of course! You're exorcising the "Spittle God" and protecting yourself from unhealthy demons. Am I right?

 

Driver:

(Loud violent junk food belch)

 

Man:

There's honesty for you. If you feel it, go right ahead and do it, that's what I always say.

 

Driver:

(Rich fruity fart)

 

Man:

Well, that's what I admire. A no-nonsense working man, who knows what he wants to do, and has the courage of his convictions. I must say I'm impressed. What other surprises do you have in store?

 

Driver:

(violent vomiting)

 

Man:

Mmmmm! So nice of you to share that with me. Really! And now I have a little something just for you. (shoots gun - three shots). When will these people learn? Oh shit!

 

 

(taxi crashes)