Double Take - The Clearing of Statue Square

The Clearing of Statue Square

By Warwick Evans

TV reporter:

This is Wolf Blitzburger reporting from Statue Square in Central, where a full-scale military operation has been underway to clear the area of 75,000 Filipino domestic helpers. Earlier today we witnessed a highly embarrassing moment, when the army arrested non other than Imelda Marcos, apparently mistaking her for a Filipina. Soldiers in riot gear then started arresting anyone openly enjoying themselves on their day off - a grave criminal offence for domestic helpers here in Hong Kong. Just moments ago there was another bizarre development, when troops from the Philippines armed forces parachuted into the square and started chasing the girls round the statue of Gordon Jackson, that champion of domestics the world over, whether they be upstairs - or downstairs. All the girls have since mysteriously disappeared, the Hong Kong Government has ordered a complete inquiry into the affair and a top Philippines army general is due to appear in court later today ...

(courtroom noise)

Usher:

Call General Ricky Bastardo of the Philippine armed forces

Usher 2:

Call General Bastardo.

Usher 3:

Bastardo.

Usher 4:

(faintly) Get in there you bastard!

Clerk of the Court:

Hold the book in your right hand and take the oath.

Bastardo:

I swear, by the shoes of Imelda Marcos, that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the corrupted truth, so help me Malacanyang.

Judge:

I'm afraid that won't do, general. Let's try again, shall we?

Bastardo:

(quietly to the judge) No problem, Sir William. By the way, come round to my place this afternoon after these formalities are over. We have to start dividing the Marcos millions. (loudly to the court) I swear, by the flack jacket of Juan Ponce Enrile, that the false evidence I shall give, shall be lies, all lies and nothing but a completely impossible version of what really happened, which nobody will ever know, so help me Fabian Ver, Imelda and the rest of the gang from Malacanang.

Judge:

That's much better!