Double Take - Imelda in Court

Imelda in Court

By Warwick Evans

Judge:

Silence in court. Now come on! What's the matter? Have none of you ever seen a former Philippines first lady before? (noise dies down) That's better.

Imelda:

I swear by dee gold-plated control panel inside my late husband Ferdinand's air-conditioned crypt that dee false evidence I shall give shall be dee truth, dee whole truth and nothing but dee corrupted truth.

Prosecutor:

Now, the facts of this case are simple. Evidence has already been presented to show that on May the 3rd of this year, one of your inner circle of friends, namely General Ricky Bastardo, opened fire with tanks and artillery on 75,000 unarmed Filipino domestic helpers in Statue Square. He was apparently acting on behalf of those in Hong Kong - and there are many - who can't stand the thought of Filipinas enjoying themselves on their day off. How say you madam?

Imelda:

But this is comfletely palse evidence. At the time of that unportunate incident, both General Bastardo and I were at least pour or pive miles away, inside my Mercedes. We went por a drive ... just por pun.

Prosecutor:

I see. You say you went for a drive - just for fun? Nothing more? You weren't plotting anything?

Imelda:

There was no flot. We would not be so poolish.

Prosecutor:

And when General Bastardo left you that day, what did he say to you?

Imelda:

Nothing. We both parted without saying a word.

Judge:

What did she say?

Prosecutor:

The fair of them just parted, milord. I mean the pair of them did.

Judge:

Did they, by god? Well this is totally unacceptable. Bailiff, clear the court and open a window. Case is adjourned until you learn some basic manners. Now please leave quickly madam, and be so kind as to take your dead husband with you!

Clerk:

The court will rise.