Double Take - The Ralph Pixton Audition

The Ralph Pixton Audition

by Warwick Evans

Director:

(to stage) Thank-you! Thank-you. We have your number. (aside) You know, I'm beginning to think we're never going to find anybody who can do a good Ralph Pixton impersonation.

Assistant:

Well, there are still several more to go.

Director:

(aside) I somehow don't think we're going to find anyone out of that bunch. However. (to stage) all right. Next please. And remember, you're supposed to sound like Ralph Pixton.

Ultra-colonialist old buffer:

The forecast for today: Light to moderate south-westerly winds. It will be fine, sunny and hot during the day, with a maximum temperature of around thirty degrees. And the outlook for the weekend. Sunny and dry with light winds.

Director:

(to stage) Stop. Stop. Thank you. We'll be in touch (aside) sometime never. A complete waste of space.

Assistant:

Not much like Ralph then?

Director:

(aside) Oh come on. Nothing like him.

Assistant:

Well, there are still a couple more to go.

Director:

(aside) Oh God, are there. (to stage) all right. The gentleman in the safari suit. Yes, you sir. Now remember, you're supposed to be Ralph Pixton. Think Ralph! Okay? (aside) Where do these people come from? (to stage) Well. Come on then! (aside) Dear God, this is like a living hell.

Ralph Pixton:

The forecast for today: It will be fine, sunny and hot during the day, with a maximum temperature of around thirty degrees. There'll be light to moderate south-westerly winds. And the outlook for the weekend. Sunny and dry.

Director:

(to stage) Stop! Stop! (aside) In the name of God, please stop. (to stage) Very good. Thank you. We'll keep you in mind. (aside) Oh God, that's the worst so far. It's nothing like him. We shall have to run another string of ads, and that means more auditions and more of these smug ego-tripping farts who think they're God's gift. And they're all totally useless.

Assistant:

Okay. There's just one more to go, and then that's it.

Director:

(aside) Thank God for that. (to stage) Well come on! Yes, you! We're all waiting. (aside) Just look at that silly white cap? And those glasses. They look more like goggles. Where does he think he is? Talk about weird ... (to stage) all right Mr. ... whoever you are. Let's be hearing you!

Ray Cordeiro:

Director:

(to stage) Stop! Stop! (aside) That's it, he's absolutely perfect.

Assistant:

Sounds just like the real Pixton.

Director:

(aside) Exactly. (to stage) all right Mr. ... thingy with the white cap on. You've got the job.